"Sarrah," he said nervously, after the guests had departed, "I 'ave a weddin' present for ye."
"What is it, John?" said Sarrah with a smirk.
"I 'ope ye won't be 'fended, Sarrah," said John, more agitated than ever, "but it is—er—er—it is five of 'em."
"Five of wat?" asked Sarrah.
"Five children!" blurted out John desperately, anticipating a scene.
"I didn't tell ye I 'ad children—five of 'em."
Sarrah took the news quite calmly; in fact, she appeared relieved.
"Oh, well, John," she said, "that do make it easier for me to tell ye.
Five is not so bad as me, watever. Seven I 'ave got!"
"Wat!" howled John.
"Seven," repeated Sarrah composedly. "That is my weddin' present to ye, John."
His Only Chance
"Is there a man in all this audience," demanded the female lecturer on woman's rights, "that has ever done anything to lighten the burden on his wife's shoulders? What do you know of woman's work? Is there a man here," she continued, folding her arms, and looking over the assembly with superb scorn, "that has ever got up in the morning, leaving his tired, worn-out wife to enjoy her slumbers, gone quietly downstairs, made the fire, cooked his own breakfast, sewed the missing buttons on the children's clothes, darned the family stockings, scoured the pots and kettles, cleaned and filled the lamps, and done all this, if necessary, day after day, uncomplainingly? If there be such a man in this audience let him rise up! I should really like to see him!"
And, in the rear of the hall, a mild-looking man in spectacles, in obedience to the summons, timidly arose. He was the husband of the eloquent speaker. It was the first time he had ever had a chance to assert himself.
He Saw Them, All Right
Two officers were sent to arrest a Quaker; his wife met them at the door and said, "Walk in, gentlemen; my husband will see thee."
After waiting some time they got impatient and called the woman, saying, "You said we should see your husband presently."
"No, friend," she replied; "I said he would see thee—he did see thee, did not like thy looks, and went out by the back door."
An Easy Way to Stop It
William Penn was once urging a man he knew to stop drinking to excess, when the man suddenly asked:
"Can you tell me of an easy way to do it?"
"Yes," Penn replied readily, "it is just as easy as to open thy hand, friend."
"Convince me of that," the man exclaimed, "and I will promise upon my honor to do as you tell me."
"Well, my friend," Penn answered, "whenever thee finds a glass of liquor in thy hand, open that hand before the glass touches thy lips, and thee will never drink to excess again."
The man was so struck by the simplicity of the great Quaker's advice that he followed it and reformed.
What Brought Them?
A rural school has a pretty girl as its teacher, but she was much troubled because many of her pupils were late every morning. At last she made the announcement that she would kiss the first pupil to arrive at the schoolhouse the next morning. At sunrise the largest three boys of her class were sitting on the doorstep of the schoolhouse, and by six o'clock every boy in the school and four of the directors were waiting for her to arrive.
Give and Take
An English statesman on one occasion, when engaged in canvassing, visited a working-man's house, in the principal room of which a pictorial representation of the Pope faced an illustration of King William, of pious and immortal memory, in the act of crossing the Boyne.
The worthy man stared in amazement, and seeing his surprise the voter's wife exclaimed;
"Shure, my husband's an Orangeman and I'm a Catholic."
"How do you get on together?" asked the astonished politician.
"Very well, indade, barring the twelfth of July, when my husband goes out with the Orange procession and comes home feelin' extry pathriotic."
"What then?"
"Well, he always takes the Pope down and jumps on him and then goes straight to bed. The next morning I get up early, before he is awake, and take down King William and pawn him and buy a new Pope with the money. Then I give the old man the ticket to get King William out."
Too Much of a Good Thing
"I've got the very thing you want," said the stableman to a ruralist in search of a horse; "a thorough-going road horse. Five years old, sound as a quail, $175 cash down, and he goes ten miles without stopping."
The purchaser threw his hands skyward.
"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I wouldn't gif you five cents for him. I live eight miles out in de country, und I'd haf to walk back two miles."
Had Missed It
"What are you crying for, my poor little boy?" said a man to a crying boy.
"Pa fell downstairs."
"Don't take on so, my boy. He'll get better soon."
"That isn't it. Sister saw him fall—all the way. I never saw nuffen."
Denied the Only Shade
It was a broiling hot day in the park, and those walking therein were well-nigh exhausted, when a very stout old lady came bustling along one of the paths, closely followed by a rough-looking tramp.
Twice she commanded him to leave her, but Still he followed just behind.
At last the old lady, quite disgusted, turned angrily around and said:
"Look here, my man, if you don't go away I shall call a policeman."
The poor fellow looked up at her with a tear in his eye, and then remarked:
"For goodness' sake, mum, have mercy and don't call a policeman, for ye're the on'y shady spot in the park."
Wanted to Make Her Happy
In one of the many hospitals in the South a bright, busy-looking and duty-loving woman hustled up to one of the wounded soldiers who lay gazing at the ceiling above his cot. "Can't I do something for you, my poor fellow?" said the woman imploringly. The "poor fellow" looked up languidly. The only things he really wanted just at that time were his discharge and a box of cigars. When he saw the strained and anxious look on the good woman's face, however, he felt sorry for her, and with perfect sang froid he replied: "Why, yes; you can wash my face if you want to."
"I'd be only too glad to," gasped the visitor eagerly.
"All right," said the cavalier gallantly, "go ahead. It's been washed twenty-one times already to-day, but I don't mind going through it again if it'll make you any happier."
Easy Enough
A noted mathematician, considered by many a wonder, stopped at a hotel in a small town in Missouri. As usual, in such places, there were a number of drummers on hand; there was also a meeting of some medical men at the place, who used the hotel as headquarters. One of the doctors thought it would be quite a joke to tell the mathematician that some of the M.D.'s had concluded to kidnap him and take out his brains to learn how it was he was so good in mathematics. He was then asked by them what he was going to do about it. He replied: "Why, I shall simply go on without brains just as you doctors are doing."
Not a Complaint at All
The good priest had come to his parishioner after the funeral of the latter's mother-in-law to express condolences.
"And what complaint was it, Pat," he asked sympathetically, "that carried the old lady off?"
"Kumplaint,