Joy listened to me very attentively.
– At that very moment one thought rapidly flew in my head, – I continued my story, – if the phrase of the oath “in the joy and despair” is considered normal, probably, the word “awful” in the same oath is OK, too.
And I quickly pronounced “awful”. Deep in my heart I hoped that if it was, wrong someone would correct me.
– I couldn’t dare to stop the wedding ceremony and interrupt the solemn oath reading just because I, the bride, misheard or misunderstood something, could I? – I asked Joy and looked at her eyes. – Although…
– You could dear; – Joy finished my thought instead of me. – And it would be just like in Hollywood movies then. You could scream nervously and stop the ceremony: “I can hardly understand you! So bad English!” Or you could scream out whatever you like. – Joy was laughing.
– But nobody stopped me, and I thought they didn’t notice – there was no mistake.
– And then? – Joy was interested.
– Then? – I re-asked her. – As soon as the ceremony was over and we left, the first question of my “new-born’ husband, as you could guess, was: “Why did you say ‘awful’ instead of ‘lawful’?”
– Oh my… Was he angry?
– A little bit, of course. And when he asked that, I stared at him for a moment and also said: “Oh, my…” I felt myself so embarrassed because of my crude mistake. I honestly explained to my husband everything as it was.
– And he? What was his reaction?
– He laughed and made a joke of the wordplay of “awful” & “lawful”. He said that mixing words will be our family’s “gold collection”. He remembered about my previous mix-ups of some English words. Once when gardening, I was so tired, that I mixed up the meaning of the words “ant” and “ass”. “Look Dan, – I addressed to my future husband, – there is an endless quantity of asses, and they are everywhere in the garden. Black and white and even copper-colored. Different sizes and shapes. I have never seen so many before. Look, look, they are running like crazy ones.” But in a minute he understood what I meant, and burst out laughing: “Where? Where are they, dear? Show me please at least one ass in my garden. I’m eager to see the biggest copper one, but I can’t see. Well, just a second, sweetheart. Where are my gold-rimmed spectacles?” He put on his stylish glasses. “Oh dear, I’m sure I’ve found one already. And I can tell you that one is the sexiest ass in the world and it’s in front of my nose!” A moment later he slightly slapped my ass; “Harassment!” – I joked.
Joy laughed.
– Well, “ant —ass” is logical, – she thought for a moment and added, – and it’s funny! But “awful husband” in the solemn moment of wedding, hmm… – she shook her head.
We approached her car, she opened the doors, we sat down and went back home.
– Vika, I’m sure that word was pronounced by you instinctively, and it definitely happened for a reason in a very important moment of your life. Have you ever thought before your marriage that Daniel is an awful person? Have you ever thought that some of his actions are horror of horrors? Or… was anything in his behavior bizarre or stupid?
I listened to Joy’s questions, and some weird pictures of Dan’s behavior immediately flashed through.
Why did he check the laundry basket in St. Petersburg? (He was mad for a couple of weeks, but didn’t tell me a word about a new box of condoms that he had found on the bottom of that basket.) Why did he rummage in my wardrobe and then was jealous just because a few American T-shirts XXL sizes were kept there? Why did he always “fail to remember” of underwear when putting on his jeans or shorts?
“You don’t know Californian guys, dear. Who wears underwear in such fine climate? No one cares. You are not in Russia. Stop it, please, Vika”, – Dan used to say.
Yea, my friend was absolutely right. Some of Daniel’s actions seemed if not awful, then unusual and bizarre to me.
I was deepened with my own thoughts and could hardly notice how quickly Joy’s Mustang convertible was racing along the picturesque and comfortable CA-1.
And when I was ready to answer Joy’s questions, we suddenly were deafened with yelping sirens of the fire engines and police cars. They blinded us with their bright red twinkling lights.
We had to yield the right-of-way to the emergency vehicles and stopped until the emergency vehicles have passed; at the same moment we could smell the smoke, and I started to cough.
Joy began to rub her eyes.
– On my wedding day in Beverly Hills I rubbed my eyes and coughed, too, Joy.
– Why? Vika, tell me, please. I want to know the whole story of your wedding.
And I continued with my wedding story specially for her.
2. Beverly Hills, Tornado, and My Husband
That wedding day when we left La Dolce Vita in Beverly Hills after celebration of our marriage, there was a huge fire not far away from the restaurant. The nearest streets were closed for emergency vehicles and the heavy smoke spread quickly and covered all the buildings and cars.
– Is this the end of the sweet life and the beginning of the smoky one? – I joked and looked at Dan.
– Yes, my dear wife. Of course, this is the “end” and the “start” at the same time. Now it is supposed to go together, with me – your lawful-awful hubby, – Daniel answered playfully.
We stopped for a minute, trying to figure out the shortest way to the parking lot. Dan took me by the hand and embraced. None of us could expect that in a minute or so a few bikers on their fully-loaded motorcycles would shoot by like a big black thunderstorm cloud. The bikers on accident, but still rudely, touched several passers-by – people started screaming. Fortunately, no one was knocked down or injured, but it was a real mess and panic. Fortunately again, the bikers disappeared in the smoke as quickly as they had appeared in the street earlier.
– Get the fuck out of here, bastard!
– What the fuck do you want here? Shut up your fucking mouth!
– I don’t give a fuck. Motherfucker!
The roar of the engines and extremely bad words of those so cool guys were hanging up in the smoky air for a while. It sounded horrible and much more than repulsive. It was like a little wedding collapse for us…
Oh, that wedding! My son Slava was the only guest, as well as the witness and the photographer, but it was Daniel’s decision. Due to some reasons he had no wish to invite anyone else to share that special day with us, but Slava had to share everything with me and my husband from the very beginning.
It’s not a secret that in the States you can’t legally drink, if you are not 21. Yet against the rules both of us suggested Slava to drink a little bit of champagne to us. My son was proud of me and felt happy – his mom was married! And of course Slava couldn’t refuse to raise a glass of delicious sparkling champagne to his just-married parents.
– To us Vika, for me and you! – Daniel, who has officially become my lawful husband just a couple of hours before, pronounced that very seriously and solemnly.
A few