“I’d left school in my second year to be home schooled. A mixture of health problems and anxiety had led me to be unable to cope in school anymore. I still finished all my exams and stuff, completed my education, just not in school. So because of that I wasn’t socialising. I had almost three years of no socialising with people my own age. And that led to my anxiety getting worse. I never went out, never had any friends, so I became the ultimate recluse. I just could not talk to people. The only person I spoke to was my mum, that was it, I didn’t have anyone else.
Well once I’d finished with the home schooling, Canal College was suggested to me because I like nature and it was outdoors. At first I refused. I’m not doing that, no chance, no! I will admit just the thought of it gave me a few panic attacks, but I eventually I said, yeah ok, I’ll sign up for that, but I won’t get the placement. And then it turned out I did get the placement and then oh no, I don’t want to do this. I went to the interview and although I was very quiet, they were willing to give me a chance, so I took it and I went and it was terrifying.
I felt a mixture of fear and excitement. I was happy that I’d got something and I was determined to get over my anxiety. I was working through it, but I was also really nervous about how I’d cope because I hadn’t ever been in a group of people my age. So it was a huge step.
Just having to look someone in the eye was a big thing for me. I couldn’t talk to people. I remember when I first got to college. It was the first day; I just sat in the corner and didn’t talk to anyone. The only people who tried to talk to me were the mentors, the adults who are there to try and help the young people.
Some nights I just couldn’t sleep. Even though I was literally trembling, I forced myself to go, no matter how uncomfortable I felt. I never missed a day. There was one day where I was genuinely sick, but no matter how nervous I felt, I always made myself go. This was my chance, I kept telling myself.
During those first two or three weeks, people talked to me and I found that helpful because I definitely wasn’t going to talk to them. But about three weeks in, I started talking back to the people who were trying to talk to me. I really didn’t know how to interact with people, so sometimes I would sit and watch to see what they did, how people interacted with each other, to work out what was normal. Kind of looking for tips.
When I was working at Canal College, I also started attending group meetings for young people. So I ended up having two new things at the same time and I went from having nothing in my life to having no time to myself. That happened in the span of a couple of weeks. So it was a really big change and although it was really uncomfortable, I don’t know, it’s weird, I kind of got this pleasure out of it; like I don’t really like it, but I’m doing it, if that makes sense? One thing I could never ever do was talk in front of people, and now I do it in college all the time, so that’s something I never thought I’d be good at.
Before Canal College, I think I was getting to the point where I was going to give up, depression was getting hold of me and I just wasn’t coping. I really do not ever want to relive those couple of years. Don’t get me wrong, when I first started Canal College, I did have relapses of panic attacks, but I did eventually overcome them. I actually went on a skiing holiday with some of the people from my meeting group and I never would have done that before.
In three or four years I will be at university, I’m not sure which one yet. And probably at that time I’ll be living in a flat with flatmates, probably have a good few pals and hopefully have a job at the same time.
My take on willpower is an image of someone about to bungee jump and you have to be the one to step off. Not so much ignoring the fear, but acknowledging it’s there and accepting you’ve got to overcome it.”
An insightful example of willpower from Abby, who has turned her life around using incredible self-control when she could have easily given up. There were many examples of willpower ingredients in her story. All of which we will explore further to help your own Willpower Challenges.
WILLPOWER INGREDIENTS IN ABBY’S STORY
• Abby’s Challenge had huge meaning for her. It was a chance for a new start, a life.
• She said throughout, “I don’t like it but I’m doing it!” With a Willpower Challenge you may have to accept that if you are entering an entirely new arena, you might be uncomfortable initially but that this will fade.
• She talked about her goals and they were very specific. Having clear goals is essential to willpower.
• She had a clear vision of how her future would look. Visualising success is a willpower skill.
• And she also provided a great example of generalisation: when she faced one hurdle she then felt she could take on others in the same way at the same time.
• She had a strong belief that all would work out.
• She provided a great example of the three-week rule to establish a new behaviour. After three weeks she was talking to others, not waiting for them to talk to her.
All these willpower ingredients will be at your disposal throughout the book.
Before we go any further, I would like you to assess your own willpower. I always like to begin an exploration of a topic with self-discovery. Let’s not define willpower yet until you answer the questions and score the results; then we can build up a sense of what willpower entails.
DIRECTIONS FOR COMPLETING THE WILLPOWER SCALE
Table 1.1 lists a number of statements that may or may not apply to you. For the most accurate score, when responding, think of how you compare to most people – not just the people you know well, but most people in general. There are no right or wrong answers, so be brutally honest with yourself.
TABLE 1.1 The Willpower Scale
THE WILLPOWER SCALE
Scoring
To score the questionnaire, add up all the points that you have given to each of the questions. Write the totals in the boxes given here.
Results
1. For questions 1, 4, 6, 9, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17 and 20 assign the following points:
5 = Very much like me
4 = Mostly like me
3 = Somewhat like me
2 = Not much like me
1 = Not like me at all
1. For questions 2, 3, 5, 7, 8, 10, 13, 17, 18 and 19 assign the following points:
1 = Very much like me
2 = Mostly like me
3 = Somewhat like me
4 = Not much like me
5 = Not like me at all
Add up all your points. The maximum score on this scale is 100 (high willpower), and the lowest scale on this scale is 20 (low willpower).Willpower is About
• Resisting temptation in order to reach a desired goal.
• Establishing a useful habit or routine.
• Hard work to achieve good outcomes.
• A desire to change.
• Self-control over what you say and do.
• An ability to think through alternative ways of behaving.
• Not worrying what others think or do.
Results
If