Ack number 4.– A scene on the Eri kanall – a terribel storm rages – the kanall acks bad – sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their boarders on board – kant make a lee shore – tha drag their ankers – sum ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at swareing – the water iz strewd with pots and kittles – sevral ov the cook maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth – tha hav tew draw oph the kanal tew stop the storm. Konlusion – men are seen along on the banks ov the kanall spearing ded hosses and eels – band plays "a life on the oshun wave." Amid tremduous applauze the curtin falls, and the awjence disperce, single file.
VI.
FEMALE EDDIKASHUN
Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings, (more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman.
I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided the woman hankers for it, but if she don't hanker for it, i kant see why she shud be histed up into a posishun, where men has got to cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked to wonder at her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny posishun that man kan fill, but what wimmin kan fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could eddicate wimmin so muchly, that tha wouldn't kno enny more about getting dinner, than sum ministers ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha mite translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha couldn't translate a baby out ov a kradle, without letting it cum apart.
I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all the wa down, from the biling over ov a volkano tu the wiggle ov a lam's tale. – Suppose you shud take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the highest pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them wud throw a blanket ontu their shoulders, bid fair-well tu civilizashun, and dive intu the wildnerness; the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces, az far from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd ov short tailed durhams. I believe in femail eddikashun, but i had ruther a woman cud beet me nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or enny other man in a stump speech or a lektur on veteranara praktiss.
If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte; and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10 ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu be looked up tu in silent aw.
If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz now rit, wich iz kalkulated tu damp the arder ov one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy tu shed tears, but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion, i sa, elevate the wimmin, but if their heds and their hartes bekum antagonicks in the operashun, i shall continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to us poor mail-claid devils. Mi christian friends, ajew!
VII.
DEPOZETIONS
Josh Billings being duly sworn deposes as follows.
That, John Brown haz halted a fu days for refreshment.
That, moste men had ruther sa a smart thing than tew dew a good one.
That, baksliding iz a big thing, espeshila on ice.
That, a live traitor smells wuss than a ded one.
That, there iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.
That, yu kant judge a man bi hiz religgun eny more than yu kan judge hiz shurt bi the size ov the collar and ristbands.
That, the devil iz alwus prepared tew see kompany.
That, it iz treating a man like a dog tew cut him oph short in hiz narrative.
That, "ignoranse iz bliss," ignoranse of sawing wood, for instanse.
That, menny will fale tew be saved simpla bekause tha haint got ennything tew saive.
That, the vartues ov woman are awl her own, but her frailities hav bin taught her.
That, dry pastors are the best for flocks; flocks ov sheep i mean.
That, men ov genius are like eagles, tha live on what tha kill, while men ov talents are like crows, tha live on what haz bin killed for them.
That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what's the matter ov them.
That, a woman kant keep a sekret nor let ennybody else keep one.
That, "a little larning iz a dangerous thing"; this iz az tru az it iz common.
That, sider brandee taken inwardly in large quantitys iz good – for a rat hole.
That, a grate menny folks have bin eddikated oph from their feet.
VIII.
WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES
"A suckcessful Rade," – cutting oph a turnpike within the enama's lines, and bringing in a blind mule, and 2 niggers tu board.
"Reserv'd Korps," – this i take it means our ophisers; who die at the tavern stands, and are stuffed, and cent home tu berry.
"Bace of supplize," – Unkle Samuel's pocket-Book.
"Pickitts," – these are surplus chaps, who ar cent out tu borry turbacker, and to see if the kussed rebels hav got enny pass.
"An Armstise," – giving the enema tu chances tu git licked instead ov one.
"Militara Stratergee," – trying to reduse a swamp by ketching the bilyus fever out ov it.
"Lite Hoss Calvary," – picked men who ride the hosses tu drink, when tha git thin.
"Rekrutin Ophisers," – individuals who are cent into the rural destriks, on a furlong, to rekrute – themselfs.
"Armee Rashuns," – back pay, and preserved beef!
"Quartring on the enemee," – this phraze is defunkted, bekaze its contraree tu Hoyle.
"War Hoops," – jist the things fur a hot da, the injuns used tu hav them.
"Corte Marshall," – where tha tri the misdemeners out ov an ophiser, so that he'll du to promoat.
"Forage Partee," – Them who goes out to kech a hastack, and gits lost in a forage ov treeze and haint been herd from sinse.
"On tu Richmond," – that's tu sa if the kussed rebels will allow it.
"Parralel lines," – are them kind of lines that never cum together.
"Militara necessita," – ten ophisers and a gallon ov whiski to every three privates.
"Onluce the dogs ov war;" – but muzzle the darn kritters; if you don't, somebody will get hurt.
"War of Exterminashun," – this fraze belongs holey tu the Kommissara Department.
"Advance Gard," – this is a gard tha hav tu hav in our army tu keep our fellers from pichin in tu the enema frontwards.
"Rere Gard," – this is a gard that hav tu