Verily, verily, a woman with nerves affecteth a man as a mosquito that buzzeth throughout a summer night. She wearieth him.
But a woman with nerve is as a cold bath on a winter morning. She shocketh him!
Lo, an intelligent opinion in the mouth of a woman horrifieth a man even as the scissors in the mouth of a babe.
And a wife with judgment which exceedeth his own is more uncanny than a pet parrot which saith the appropriate thing at the right moment. She appalleth him!
My Daughter, in all the land dost thou know of one clever woman who hath been happily married?
Nay! For I say unto thee there can be but one mind, one opinion, and one throne in an household; and every man claimeth these for himself.
Then, oh, thou Temperamental One, whatsoever thou receivest in the love game, accept it gladly and rejoice thereat.
For, whether it be a babe torn from the cradle or an octogenarian spared from the grave; whether it be a left-over bachelor, or an hand-me-down widower; though thou weddest fourscore times, thou shalt do no better!
Verily, verily, in the life of every woman, there cometh a season when she yearneth for sentiment, and neither the love of her “art” nor the adoration of a poodle dog is sufficient.
And a little unhappiness with an husband is more to be desired than great loneliness without one.
Go to! Life without one of these is as spaghetti without sauce and more insipid than bouillon without salt.
Therefore, my Daughter, gather in the Lemon which Fate awardeth thee and let thine heart be comforted.
For though wine is desirable, yet lemonade is not to be despised; and even an Highbrow shall find an husband an agreeable distraction from serious things!
CHAPTER FIVE
How long, oh thou Credulous One, wilt thou continue to marry for a change; and the lawyers delight in their fees, and the neighbors in their “I-said-so’s”?
For lo, though there be many varieties of men, there is but one kind of husband!
Yea, though a man wed seven times seven times, he maketh not the same mistake twice.
But the woman who weddeth a second time, repeateth her own history.
Verily, verily, if thou wilt but close thine eyes, thou canst not perceive from his words, neither from the cloves upon his breath, nor the ardor of his greeting, whether it be thy first or thy second husband, that kisseth thee.
For one man’s chin is as rough as another’s, and one man’s lies are as smooth as another’s.
One man’s razor is as sacred as another’s, and one man’s excuses are as old as another’s.
One man roareth, like unto another, when he is hungry.
One man growleth, like unto another, when he is fed.
One man groaneth, like unto another, when he hath over-eaten.
One man looketh as uncanny as another without a collar, and as weird as another without a shave.
One man streweth his cigar ashes upon the carpet, and leaveth his stubs in the pin-tray, even as another.
One man burieth himself in the pillows in the morning, and in the newspapers in the evening, and refuseth to be torn therefrom – even as another.
One man offereth up the morning and evening growl, and celebrateth the Sunday forenoon grouch as regularly as another.
Why, then, wilt thou continue to hearken unto their promises? For, before marriage, all men are promising; but matrimony is a chemical which transmuteth each and every one of them from a lover into a critic, from an admirer into a scoffer, from an adorer into a judge, and from a slave into a sultan.
Verily, verily, there is this difference only in husbands:
That the first maketh thee weep;
The second maketh thee wonder;
But the third maketh thee weary!
BOOK OF FLIRTS
CHAPTER ONE
Lo! wondrous are the workings of a man’s heart, my Daughter.
His love is a thing which riseth and falleth as the stock market; yea, like a football that goeth up, it descendeth swiftly.
Behold, when a man first meeteth a damsel, she pleaseth his eyes. Moreover, she is different from the girl before and affordeth a pleasant change. He adoreth her from afar and indulgeth in foolish pipe-dreams. He investeth in new cravats and is particular concerning his collars.
He calleth at first, timidly; he getteth on the good side of the family. He bringeth burnt offerings of expensive flowers and sweets from Huyler’s. He readeth the Rubáiyát unto her and inviteth her to meet his sister.
And, behold, there cometh a day when he kisseth her suddenly and without warning.
And another when he kisseth her again – easily.
And another when he kisseth her much and often.
And another when he kisseth her more casually.
And another when he departeth early, and kisseth her but once – “Good night”.
And another when he faileth to call.
Then, peradventure, she writeth him a letter – which he putteth in his pocket and forgetteth to answer. She summoneth him over the telephone and he goeth into the booth wearily. She reproacheth and revileth him. He picketh a quarrel.
She sobbeth “All is over between us!” He answereth “Oh, very well! Even as thou sayest!”
And, in time, he meeteth another damsel and doeth it all over again. Yea, the selfsame programme he repeateth unto the letter; yet, he never tireth.
For lo! though a man hath eaten his fill at one meal, why shall he lack appetite for the next?
Then, I charge thee, my Daughter, when love beginneth, question not any man how it will end; for it is only in the beginning of things that a man is interested; even in the cream from off the jug, the bubble of the champagne, the meat on the peach, and – the first kiss of a woman.
Yet, what mattereth the end? Is not the end of the cream, skimmed milk; and the end of a cigar, a stub; and the end of a peach, a stone; and the end of champagne, dregs; and the end of love, a quarrel? And which of these would ye choose?
Verily, the flirtations of a man’s bachelor days are, in passing, as the courses of the love-feast; but a wife is the black coffee which settleth him.
CHAPTER TWO
Marvellous, oh, my Daughter, is the way of a man with women; for every man hath a method and each his favorite stunt. And the stunt that he hath found to work successfully with one damsel shall be practised upon each in turn, even unto the finest details thereof.
Behold, one man shall come unto thee saying:
“How foolish are the sentimentalists! But, as for me, my motives are altruistic and disinterested; and a woman’s friendship is what I most desire.” Yet, I charge thee, seek among his women “friends” and thou shalt not find an homely damsel in all their number.
For this is the platonic stunt.
Now, another shall try thee by a simpler method.
Lo, suddenly and without warning, he shall arise and catch thee in his arms. And when thou smitest him upon the cheek, he shall be overcome with humiliation, crying:
“I could not help it!”
Yet be not persuaded, but put him down