I often remember the words spoken to me by a Zen Master to whom I described my experience:
– Your experience is true, I confirm it. Congratulations – you have glimpsed the Buddha! What are you going to do next?
– Continue, I replied.
– Continue what? – The experienced Master wouldn't let me off the hook.
– To continue my practice, because spiritual experience should be «made one's own»! – Somehow burst out of my mouth.
– Well, – he smiled at last, – the experience should be broadened. How long can you stay in this state of stopping the flow of the mind?
– In this state it is impossible to time it, because it also stops with the consciousness, but maybe 10–15 minutes…
– When you can stay in this state indefinitely, then it will be the Final Enlightenment, summarized the teacher.
«To expand my experience» – this is what I have been doing ever since, step by step expanding the realized then state of Calm and Contemplation.
If I were asked, «What was the most important, most memorable experience in your life?», I would say it was the Kensho experience. When asked what is the purpose of life? I would answer that, at the very least, in experiencing that experience.
Therefore, based on the True Dharma and my own experience of practice, I can say that the meaning and purpose of life is to return to one's true original state, which can be conventionally labeled as Atman (True «Self»), Nirvana, or Enlightenment and Emancipation.
In essence, they are synonyms. They are the same thing but from different angles. All these words point (they are pointing, not being: after all, they are just words) to something primordial, eternal, unchanging, absolute, and independent. The problem is that it is impossible to express THIS in any way. Because THIS is not some object, thing, or phenomenon external to us that has any properties, characteristics, or anything like that. It is somewhat ironic to say that no one can ever under any circumstances say: «This thing is my True „Self”. Look how beautiful and sparkling it is!». From this point of view, the «Self» does not exist. It is impossible to say anything about the Atman. It is an observer who is neither born nor dies, who is simply invisibly and naturally present. This is WE in the true sense. It is for this reason that I translate the term «Atman» as True „Self” with the pronoun «self» in quotation marks. In addition, when I use personal pronouns in an attempt to refer to the Atman, I make sure to italicize them, e.g., «The Five Aggregates are not self».
However, then, is there no point in studying the Dharma if its essence is inexpressible? Or to do spiritual practice just «for the sake of practice», since its purpose cannot be formulated or the formulation is so abstract? But the only true value is Nirvana, Enlightenment and Atman. They are the goal of true spiritual practice!
«The difference between mere scholarship or mere philosophizing, on the one hand, and self-realization, on the other, the difference between what is stated in words and what is transcendent to all verbal expressions, but must be personally experienced – this fundamental difference was strongly emphasized by the Buddha. His followers did not forget about this circumstance, trying not to lose sight of the desired state of self-realization» (D.T. Suzuki[3], «Essays on Zen Buddhism», part 2).
Atman, Nirvana, Enlightenment and Emancipation cannot be expressed, but we can try to find out what they are not. By following this method of elimination, we can probably come to at least a relative understanding.
In creating this essay, I am aiming to do just that – based on the texts of past Gurus and my own experience of spiritual practice, to show the reader the structure of our false «self». The very false «self» that binds us to the impermanent world of worldly desires and brings suffering. And having understood, at least in theory, what is not ourselves, we will be able to see the path leading to Enlightenment and Emancipation.
Chapter 1
Our False «Self»
Five Aggregates
(Illustration № 1, «Five Aggregates»)
I think it is not wrong to say that each of us has asked ourselves the question «who am I?» at least once in our lives. But have we ever found the answer? Am I this physical body? Am I my sensations, thoughts or emotions? Or am I something else? The teachings of the Five Aggregates bring us closer to understanding such questions. After all, the Five Aggregates are all that we have, all that we mistakenly believe we are, our true selves.
These five components of our false «self» are as follows:
1. Physical body – Pāli and Sanskrit: rūpa (literally: «form»).
2. Sensations (Feelings) – Pali and Sanskrit: vēdanā.
3. Perceptions – Pāli: saññā, Sanskrit: saṃjñā
4. Formed experience – Pāli: sankhāra, Sanskrit: saṃskāra.
5. Distinguishing consciousness – Pāli: viññāṇa, Sanskrit: vijñāna.
Unfortunately, neither mere enumeration nor arguments about what and how it should be translated from Pali and Sanskrit will bring us any closer to understanding these five components.
1. Physical body
The word «rupa» itself literally means «form». That is, all forms or, in normal modern language, objects, things, animate and inanimate objects that we can see or perceive, such as houses and trees, other people and cars driving down the street. Of course, all such external objects influence our lives and us. However, the greatest influence on us comes from the closest of all «forms» – our physical body. It is the one that imposes so many limitations on us and brings us not only fleeting joys but also inevitable suffering such as illness, old age, and death. Therefore, when we talk about the first of the Five Aggregates, we are referring first of all to our physical body.
So, each of us has a physical body, it serves as a carrier of our consciousness.
Two problems arise in the ordinary consciousness's perception of the physical body.
First, we are captured, attached to our body: «I am beautiful, slender, tall and statuesque». Or, conversely, «Why am I so ugly (ugly), low in stature, why do I have a bad figure!» and so on. Exactly the same wrong consideration we make about other people: «How beautiful she is, how slender he is, what wonderful muscles he has!» or, on the contrary: «How ugly, unattractive, fat he (she) is» and so on.
Secondly – complete identification of oneself with the physical body.
In order to change this wrong view, which leads to suffering, one should consider one's physical body impartially. There are two types of consideration of the physical body: Buddhist and yogic.
The first is to consider our physical body anatomically, just as we were taught in anatomy classes at school. There is the skin, deeper – the fat layer, then – muscles, tendons, and finally – the bones, the skeleton. Everywhere passes numerous blood vessels and nerves. There are internal organs belonging to different systems. Observing our bodies this way, we see that the physical body can be very beautiful and attractive outside, but things are quite different inside. Indeed, both the insides of our body are unpleasant to look at and smell. However, we recognize this anatomical fact rather than engage in a meditation of disgust. For example, if we consider our own or someone else's body beautiful, what exactly do we like: muscles, tendons, bones, or perhaps internal organs? Here we really begin to realize that the definition of «the body is beautiful» and attachment to the physical body looks very strange, if not foolish.
The yogic view is to consider the physical body as a collection