I let out a breath and rolled my eyes. ‘Phew! That was a bit hairy.’
‘It is at first, I know, but you’ll get used to it,’ Angie said, as Megan began to complain. I set her on my lap again and offered her some more milk, keeping the suction close by on the arm of the chair. Megan pounced eagerly on the teat and Angie gave a little laugh. After a minute or so, she patted my shoulder and bustled off to the nurses’ station in the middle of the ward.
Knowing that I wasn’t causing Megan any discomfort, it was easier to fix a seal the second time around. Every so often she opened her eyes and gazed up at me, the look so trusting that my heart swelled. Time stalled and, immersed in what I was doing, I didn’t notice anyone approaching until a shadow fell across Megan’s face. I turned, taking in a pair of pink slippers. I looked up, the swollen but slightly deflated stomach belonging to the woman in front of me revealing that she was one of the newly delivered mothers.
‘Hi,’ she whispered, introducing herself as Erin. She smiled down at Megan. ‘Ah, bless, what a darling.’ Her eyes swept over Megan’s face, lingering on my fingers as they held the cleft together and the soft-sided bottle. Her brow furrowed inquisitively. ‘I can’t tell you how glad I am you’re here,’ she said after a short pause, leaning forward so that her face was level with mine. ‘My heart bleeds when she cries. She goes on and on, till she’s hoarse. We can’t bear it. She even whimpers in her sleep.’ Erin pouted her lower lip in a gesture of sadness and frowned. ‘Then all of a sudden she goes still, just staring up at the ceiling and you don’t hear a peep out of her. It’s like she’s given up, as if she knows no one’s coming.’
The methadone, I thought, glancing down at Megan, though of course, I didn’t say anything. She had stopped sucking and dropped off to sleep again, her soft breaths rattling in her chest. ‘I came over to give her a cuddle yesterday but’ – Erin rolled her eyes sideways in the direction of the nurses’ station then lowered her voice to a whisper – ‘I got told off. It’s not allowed apparently, but I can’t bear it, seeing her so upset and all alone.’
‘Don’t the nurses see to her when she frets?’
‘Oh yes, don’t get me wrong, they’re brilliant in here. They do their best but sometimes there’s no one free to pick her up. They’re so busy. That’s what I said to them – I don’t mind giving her a cuddle when my little one’s asleep, I said – but it’s against the rules and regulations and God knows what else. You know what these places are like.’
My stomach clenched at the thought of Megan’s cries being ignored. I held her a little closer after that, tilting her towards me so that her heart was next to mine. Through the tinted windows of the unit, the bright clear sky was subdued in dusty shades of pale blue and grey.
From my position in the low chair there was no view of the road and the only reminder of the city centre was the persistent hum of traffic and the faded shadow of inky buildings set against the sky. With Megan’s gentle warmth pressed against my chest and the hypnotic clicking noise as she began sucking again, the city streets fell away into a different realm, vague and irrelevant.
Barely five minutes later the peace was shattered by a series of howls and loud bangs coming from outside the unit. Turning sharply towards the glass security doors and the reception beyond, I must have jogged the bottle because Megan suddenly spluttered and began to choke again. Silently cursing myself and fumbling for the suction, the commotion going on behind me instantly faded.
I did my best to clear Megan’s airway quickly, only vaguely aware of Angie rushing across the ward, another nurse following hastily behind. As her breathing settled I snatched another glance over my shoulder, wondering what on earth was going on.
It was difficult to see anything beyond a blur of royal-blue uniforms, but from the nurses’ frantic movements and strained voices of forced calm, I could tell they were concerned. Perhaps sensing something, Megan began to cry. I got to my feet and soothed her, rocking gently from foot to foot. Thankfully she brought up some wind as I rubbed her back, and as soon as she’d quietened I settled her into her crib and popped her a fresh dummy back in. It was just as well I had because at that moment a midwife I didn’t recognise hurried over. ‘Mum’s outside,’ she said in a rush, reaching for my bag and handing it to me. ‘She’s insistent that it’s her time for contact so you’d best leave. We’ll take the staff exit.’
With a regretful glance Megan’s way, I followed the nurse past several other incubators, the tiny babies inside surrounded by a tangle of wires and tubes. Their parents, seated protectively nearby, stared between me and the commotion going on beyond the doors with shocked astonishment.
The further away from Megan I got, the more aware I became of the gritty, surprisingly deep voice of her mother. Almost at the other end of the ward, I couldn’t resist another glance behind and saw the face of a small woman somewhere in her early twenties pressed up against the glass doors, her hands resting either side of her like giant suction pads. Dressed in blue tracksuit bottoms and a loose white t-shirt, she had light, thin hair and a narrow face with bloated, heavily hooded eyes. She was flanked by two nurses, each trying to peel her hands away. ‘Get off o’ me!’ she bellowed, her words punctuated by a rattling buzz as she lunged out and jabbed at the intercom. ‘Why you letting some stranger hold my daughter? She’s my fucking baby. Mine.’
Despite her aggression, her expression was distraught and when a thread of uncertainty entered her voice, so that she began to sound more upset than angry, I felt an unwelcome trickle of sympathy for her.
‘This way,’ the midwife said with a curt nod, flinging the door open and ushering me through. Sweeping through a set of double doors, the nurse turned right and then took a sharp left along a narrow, less brightly lit corridor. When we reached another flight of stairs she stopped and faced me. ‘We’re going to have to speak to the social worker before you visit again,’ she said, sounding apologetic but brisk. ‘I don’t know what they can do about it, but she’s going nuts up there. We can’t let that happen again.’
After the sterility of the unit, it was lovely to get home to the scent of coffee and the pancakes Emily was making in the kitchen. She downed the whisk she was holding as soon as she realised I was back. ‘Tell me, tell me!’ she said, waving her hands so that little puffs of flour rose, speckling her rosy cheeks and settling in her dark-blonde hair. ‘What’s she like? Did you take some photos?’
‘Sorry, Ems. I didn’t get a chance.’
Her face fell. ‘Oh, why not?’
‘Photos?’ my mother said, coming into the kitchen. Mum was my back-up carer – after attending a course for respite carers she had been interviewed by my fostering agency, who had also checked her background to make sure she was responsible enough to take care of the children I fostered when I was unable to, and had child-proofed her home to pass the local authority health and safety standards check – and had come over to babysit while I went to visit Megan.
My son, Jamie, loped in closely behind, listening to his iPod. With earphones in place, there was that vacant, slightly sleepy look on his face that teenagers so often wore. I slipped a finger behind one of the thin dangling wires hanging from his ears and gave it a tug. ‘Hey!’ he moaned, jerking away, though there was a playful light in his eyes. ‘Quit messing with my muse, Mum.’
‘Just saying hello,’ I said, smiling. Cool aloofness was the attitude he generally aimed for lately but, at just 13, there were still lots of times when it eluded him.
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