COMFORTABLE CHAOS
Forget “balance” and make career and family choices that works for you
Carolyn S. Harvey and Beth E. Herrild, MA
Self-Counsel Press
(a division of)
International Self-Counsel Press Ltd.
USA Canada
Copyright © 2012
International Self-Counsel Press
All rights reserved.
Introduction: Chatting Across the Driveway
Eight years ago, I moved with my husband and two-year-old son to a bigger home in the suburbs. I first met Carolyn when she was pulling into her driveway next door. We introduced ourselves and Carolyn welcomed me to the neighborhood. A few more impromptu chats and waves across the driveway, and we were getting together with our husbands for appetizers and wine.
Later that year Carolyn excitedly told me she was pregnant. It was such a huge relief after years of stressful infertility treatments. Carolyn and her husband, Dave, were thrilled that they would soon be parents. After a few weeks, I shared my good news that I was expecting my second child. Carolyn gave me a hug and we sympathized with each other about our ever-expanding bodies and constant backaches. Our spur of the moment get togethers continued, including one memorable gathering around Christmas when we were both hugely pregnant and snowed in on our little cul-de-sac for several days (snow is an anomaly in Seattle so we don’t quite know how to deal with it, especially on giant hills)!
We delivered healthy baby boys one month apart and marveled at each other’s beautiful creations. After comparing notes on sleep schedules and diaper decisions, we began the inevitable discussion of how to combine work and family and what childcare plans would be best when we returned to work.
I already knew how hard it was going back to work full time after my first child was born. The memories of sneaking off to the closet to pump milk and then hurrying back to a meeting, only to struggle to stay awake once I sat down, were still fresh in my mind. But I loved my job as a sales manager and decided that hiring a new nanny would be my best option with two small children.
After spending at least half of my maternity leave scheduling and interviewing nannies, I finally found someone I trusted and went back to work three months after my son was born. Going from one to two children felt like a quantum leap. Not only was I pumping milk at work like before, but now I was even more tired because my time at home was divided between an active toddler and a hungry newborn.
Carolyn was also finding the return to work challenging. After looking at many child-care options, she decided to use a creative combination of family members to care for her son during the first six months. Recently promoted to a senior human resources manager before she got pregnant, she was eager to perform at her regular pace. But she was surprised at how nursing and caring for her son seemed to drain all of her energy. In the evenings, she gave her son her full attention, while couple time, personal time, and a decent dinner became things of the past.
Carolyn and I continued to chat across the driveway, share stories, celebrate successes, and commiserate about the challenges. Over the next two years our sleep-deprived states improved, but we faced new problems. We helped each other through several failed child-care plans including the nanny from hell, the nanny that didn’t show up, and the expensive but chaotic daycare center.
We both remained committed to our careers but struggled with how to have time to enjoy our children while bringing home a paycheck and participating in the stimulating world of work. It felt like we were always going at high speed — never really enjoying each role completely — and always thinking ahead on how to get the next task done. We kept saying to each other that there must be a better way! As we looked around, the options didn’t seem obvious.
Shortly before my second son turned two, I realized I wanted to make a change. After much soul searching, I decided that I would reduce my hours, but not my commitment to work, by creating a job share situation. I searched for an appropriate partner, developed a proposal, and strategized over when, and how, to present it to my employer. Carolyn enthusiastically cheered me on and agonized with me while I waited to see if the proposal would be accepted. Finally, I got the green light and my job sharing journey began.
Around the same time, Carolyn had a second child and was now the mother of a 19-month-old and a newborn. She too had decided to reduce her hours and was fortunate to have a very supportive boss who agreed to a part-time schedule. Carolyn worked three days a week but was essentially trying to cram her full-time job into fewer hours. She realized her mistake and was about to renegotiate her responsibilities when her beloved boss announced her retirement and a change in the organization was on the horizon. Carolyn considered her options and decided to take a first line management job that would be a better fit for a part-time schedule.
Now our chats across the driveway changed to cell phone conversations as we commuted and compared notes on our alternative work schedules. We both loved our new routines and found the mix between work and home was ideal. But we also realized that we had gone through similar processes when deciding to change our work schedules, and we both had felt like we bushwhacked into new territories at our companies. It was hard work and there didn’t seem to be anywhere to turn for help. As we talked through the challenges in creating these schedules and making them work, we agreed that there was a lack of resources on this topic; there didn’t appear to be any roadmaps to guide the way. We started brainstorming and dreaming of starting a business dedicated to helping people create work/life balance.
After two years of successfully job sharing, my partner and I decided to resign after the third merger in our company. This particular merger was radically shifting the company’s focus and we weren’t comfortable with the new direction. My job share partner and I joked that we did everything together, including resigning. I had also given birth to a third child and decided to stay home full time for a while. Carolyn and I continued to talk and loved to dream up business ideas where we could enjoy both working and less-frenzied time with our families.
One day when Carolyn was driving home from work, she called me at home and said she had an epiphany on the freeway. We could write a book! She left me an excited message about how this would be the perfect way to launch the business without raising capital and that we could do it in our “spare time.” Ha!
We laughed about the spare time but couldn’t let go of the idea that a “how to” book for people who wanted to create alternative work schedules was desperately needed. Our friendship grew to include collaboration and we started slowly by meeting for coffee and drafting an outline. Before long we had some concrete ideas and decided we would go for it and see what happened. We nudged each other as needed to schedule people to be interviewed for the book and we set deadlines for each chapter.
We worked this way over the next two years and the book changed as we gathered more information and solicited feedback. Our passion for the topic only grew and we started giving seminars as a method to build a business. In the fall of 2002,
Carolyn also decided to leave her successful part-time position and resigned from her company. It was difficult to leave an enjoyable job and a close-knit group of employees but the new business venture beckoned. We filed for a business license and our partnership was official.
It was the following spring that we had a major breakthrough. We had started to question our frequent use of the word “balance” to describe our book and we found that focusing on alternative work schedules was too narrow. Everyone seemed to be facing the same struggle of how to create a less frazzled life and it didn’t matter whether they were working full time, staying home full time, or doing something in between.
We formed a focus group and gathered people who had made different work/life balance choices