The next year, my father finally found work, and we moved to a better neighborhood. Now fourteen, I began working at Taco Bell. I loved making my own money and not having to ask anyone for anything. Fiercely independent, I had one and sometimes two jobs from that age on. Work had become my refuge from a difficult life. Working and making money were my ticket out of that life.
I saved enough money to buy my own car at sixteen. I surprised my parents one day when I drove into the driveway with my primer-gray Buick LeSabre. They were stupefied and couldn’t understand how I kept figuring out all this money stuff on my own. They wouldn’t let me have a driver’s license, but I had bought my own car!
I decided to go to college, and with the help of my high school counselor, I received scholarships and grants. When I told my parents that I’d been accepted to a top university, they laughed and said, “Yeah, right…who’s going to pay for that?” I told them, “Don’t worry, I’ve already figured it all out, and you won’t need to pay a dime.” That night, my father came into my room and told me that he was very proud of me and of what I had accomplished. It was the first time he had ever truly acknowledged me. Shortly after that evening, on the night of my high school graduation, my father died suddenly from a massive heart attack. He never made it to my graduation. He was only fifty, and his life had ended, all too abruptly.
With his passing, my mother became a young widow and single parent of three. All that my father left her was a $10,000 life insurance policy, which my financially naive mother thought was a small fortune. Within a year, she began to realize that $10,000 would not last us very long. Now, with only a waitress’s income, my mother simply couldn’t make ends meet, and money was a source of constant stress and struggle from then on. She never really recovered emotionally or financially from my father’s death. When she died, she had very little to speak of materially, which bothered her greatly. But she was a great mother who did the best she could with what she had.
I became the first and only person in my family to attend and graduate from college. Having witnessed so much financial struggle in my parents’ lives has deeply influenced my own life and choices. It is part of my own personal mythology and has informed my destiny. I was determined to learn how to be financially educated and empowered, and to help others to do so, too.
Understanding Our Stories
Each of our stories is rich with meaning and metaphor. We are not unlike great stone carvings being shaped into human form by our trials and tribulations. When we merge into relationship, our individual stories also merge and become entwined. The problem is, when it comes to money, our partners seldom fully know or comprehend the significance of these stories in our de-velopment. Without our stories, we cannot make sense of how our money patterns and behaviors were formed. Knowing each other’s money stories is essential to understanding present-day money patterns and behaviors. Without this understanding, we are prone to making assumptions, drawing conclusions, and, worse, judging one another. The sharing of our stories not only helps us to make sense of our own experience but also helps our partners to do the same.
EXERCISE
Writing Your Money Story
I strongly encourage you both to write and share your individual money stories with each other. I recommend that you use this process as the foundation and building blocks of creating financial intimacy, which will deepen your relationship.
STEP ONE. WRITE YOUR STORY: Begin by writing your money story from childhood to the point where you first met your partner. Write your story from your earliest money memory, and move chronologically through time, allowing your memories to come in one at a time. It is best to write your money story in a stream-of-consciousness manner without editing, judging, or analyzing your memories while writing. Include as much detail as you can, as it will help you to identify your money patterns and relevant themes. When you reach the point in your life where you met your current partner or spouse, title the next section “The Story of Us,” and write your money memories from when you began dating to your present-day life together.
STEP TWO. MAP YOUR STORY: Once you’ve completed your story, read it from the beginning to identify recurring patterns, themes, emotions, and beliefs. Below is an example of one client’s story map. On a separate sheet of paper or in your money journal, map your story, using this example as a template.
EXAMPLE: Story Mapping
| Money Patterns | Money Themes |
| Giving | Feast or famine |
| Confused | Never enough |
| Need my own money | Loss and betrayal |
| Work hard | Survivor |
| Sacrifice | Scarcity |
| Creative | Rich versus poor |
| Resourceful | Hide poverty |
| Fiercely independent | Work = money + independence |
| Money Emotions | Money Beliefs |
| Happy | Money is hard to get/keep. |
| Joyful | There will never be enough. |
| Sadness | Money is not fair. |
| Worried | Money is stressful. |
| Fear | Rich people are selfish. |
| Anger | Money is not for our family. |
| Resentment | To be poor is shameful. |
| Humiliated | Making money is hard work. |
EXERCISE
Money Messages and Meaning
Before you proceed, take some time to reflect on these questions and write in your journal.
1. What messages about money did you receive in your childhood from your parents?
2. How do those messages influence and inform your experience with money today?
3. What would you have rather heard or experienced that might have made a difference?
4. How have your money patterns changed since childhood?
5. What messages about money are you giving or would you like to give to your partner or children, if you have them?
6. If money were not an obstacle, real or perceived, what would you do differently in your life today?
Sharing Your Money Story
Now that you’ve written your money story, it is time to share it. Before you do, I suggest that you make an agreement with your partner to listen to each other’s stories from a place of nonjudgment and compassion. Ask your partner for this agreement in advance. Once you’ve agreed, take turns reading your stories aloud without interruption. Once you’ve both read your stories, discuss them openly. Here are some questions to help guide your discussion:
1. What did you learn about