I took out another sheet and began the more difficult farewell.
Nathan,
I’m not going to pretend we’ll ever see each other again, at least not on friendly terms. I’ve decided that the best place for me is with my sire. Please know that while I wish you only the best, I understand you have a job to do for the Movement. I won’t take it personally if you try to follow that assignment through, but be aware that I will fight you with my last breath. No one has the power to decide whether I live or die. If you ever felt the slightest friendship toward me, you’ll forget I ever existed.
Carrie
Ten
Sunset
As much as I tried to ignore what I was about to do, I couldn’t quiet my mind enough to sleep. Instead, I consolidated my clothes into a shopping bag and waited, staring at Nathan’s alarm clock like a death row inmate. Soon, my time would be up.
For a while, I listened to Nathan puttering around in the living room. Though he’d claimed to be set on an evening of reviewing insurance forms and serious concentration, all I heard was the popping of microwave popcorn and Led Zeppelin. He listened to Houses of the Holy twice before I heard the springs of the couch creak as he settled in to sleep.
Ziggy left at about eight o’clock. When I heard him return at noon, I opened the bedroom door and waited for him to notice that I was awake.
It didn’t take him long. His stocky frame filled the doorway, and he toyed with the huge skull ring on his index finger to avoid looking at me. “So, my guess is you’re leaving.”
“Yes.” I sat on the edge of the bed, which was currently experiencing the foreign pleasure of clean sheets. “I don’t want to overstay my welcome.”
“You made a deal with Cyrus.” He didn’t pose it as a question. The kid wasn’t a fool.
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell Nathan about it. He doesn’t need to know.”
“And I’m going to lie to Nate because you’ve done what for me lately?” Ziggy demanded.
“I’m asking you not to tell him as a friend. I don’t want him to get hurt.”
“Why? Are you going to hurt him?” he asked as he turned to look into the living room, pulling a wooden stake from his back pocket. “Nate’s my dad. He’s taken care of me since I was nine years old. There’s no reason not to kill you if you’re threatening him.”
“I’m not threatening him. I just don’t want him coming after me. Cyrus would kill him.”
Ziggy laughed. “Yeah, like you’re not trying to save your ass the only way you know how. What the fuck do you want?”
I wanted to forget all this had ever happened and get some sleep. I wanted to wake up and help them salvage smoke-damaged dream catchers from the shop. I wanted anything but to go back to Cyrus’s house. I’d spend an eternity in that house. But I just handed him my letter. “Give this to him after I’ve gotten a head start.”
He didn’t read it immediately, like I thought he would. “Fine. Anything else?”
I watched him slip the note into his pocket, and I closed my eyes. My throat suddenly went dry. “No.”
“He likes you. This is really going to tear him up.”
The softly spoken declaration should have surprised me. But since I’d found Nathan’s drawing, I’d come to that conclusion on my own. “I know.”
“But you’re still going?” There was cold judgment in his tone. “Look, it’s not like he’s going to be heartbroken or anything. But for what it’s worth, the whole time I’ve lived with him, he’s never shown this much interest in anyone.”
“That’s very sweet.” I wished I knew how to make him understand. I’d never idealized romantic love as an adolescent, but maybe Ziggy had. From his standpoint, just the possibility of a relationship should have been enough to make me stay.
“Nathan has been a big help, but I don’t think of him that way. I’ve given this a lot of thought. It’s the right choice.”
“He worked for fifteen years getting this place going. He knows you for a week and he’s right back to the beginning. And you run straight to the bad guy. It’s not fair.”
“It was a trade, Ziggy. To get the antidote, to save Nathan, I had to make a trade.”
The implication of my words sunk in and Ziggy looked like I’d slapped him. “Why would you do something like that?”
I shrugged. “I’m a doctor. I’m supposed to save lives and help people. And Cyrus needs me.” I wished I could take the words back. Not because Ziggy had heard them, but because by saying them, I’d acknowledged the truth. “Nathan can’t know about this.”
“Are you nuts?” His young face lit up with relief. “All you gotta do is tell him what’s going on. He’ll take care of everything.”
“No!” I said a little too loudly, and I heard Nathan roll restlessly on the couch. I explained more quietly, “If Cyrus kills him, what good was the deal I made? I’ll still be stuck with him, and Nathan will be dead. It will all have been for nothing.”
“Then why are you telling me?”
I chewed my lip. “I guess because…I don’t want you both to hate me.”
“If you’re going to be with him—” he stopped and shook his head in disbelief “—if you’re going to be like him, Nate is going to hate you. But I won’t let him bad-mouth you too much.”
“That’s all I can ask,” I said with a smile. The expression on Ziggy’s face was nothing if not heartbreaking. I felt my heart fly apart like a body hitting the sidewalk from forty stories above.
“I won’t give him the letter until sunup. That way, even if he wanted to do something rash, he’ll have some time to cool off.”
“Good thinking.” I reached for Ziggy’s hand and he didn’t pull away. “Thank you.”
He seemed embarrassed by my gesture and quickly withdrew his hand. “Yeah, well, if we ever meet up in a dark alley, do me a favor and don’t eat me, okay?”
“Deal.”
I lay down then and finally slept. When I woke, the apartment was dark and empty. It was time to go.
I picked up my shopping bag full of clothes, cushioning my diploma and the photo of my parents between sweaters, and made sure I had my letter to Dr. Fuller. Then I started down the stairs to the street.
On the sidewalk, I stopped at the railing of the basement stairs as I heard Nathan groan in disgust. “How many candles would you estimate have melted into this rose-scented mess?”
“Twenty?” Ziggy answered him.
There was a long pause before Nathan replied. “Yeah, that sounds right.”
I took a deep breath to ease the ache in my chest as I walked away. They would be fine without me. I’d only just come into their lives. There’d hardly been enough time to form an attachment. But I’d never had such a longing for family, warmth, comfort. Being raised by emotionally distant parents had almost entirely eradicated any notions of familial love I might have had. But with Nathan and Ziggy, just for a moment, I’d felt like I belonged.
It hurt more to give it up than I would have expected.
After delivering my letter at the hospital, I soon found myself standing before the gate of Cyrus’s mansion. In a few hours, my former boss would think I’d headed back to the East Coast. At least I wouldn’t