Love Is A Thief. Claire Garber

I would have had a child if I had only myself to please and not a man’s feelings and needs to take into consideration.’ She pulled her coat closer around her. The familiar half-naked torso was now running along the edge of the lake towards the footbridge to the restaurant. ‘You know, darl, I don’t like to list negatives, to think about what-ifs. I think if I had just gotten into the habit of making good choices for myself I would not have missed out on anything at all, whether there had been love in my life or not. Because when you start making choices with someone else in mind, second-guessing them and their wants and needs, it’s like a game of Chinese whispers that over the years slowly unravels into a story you don’t even recognise. And you will probably end up losing the one thing you were trying to keep hold of. So be true to yourself. Then everyone else can rely upon that fact.’ She paused for a moment before smiling to herself. ‘And I wouldn’t waste a second of my life worrying about what I look like, that should be forbidden until you are at least in your 70s and even then I think women look goddamn beautiful! I’m sorry, doll, if I’ve disappointed you. I expect women today want me to tell them to have lots of sex, run along the Great Wall of China and throw themselves out of a plane. But my only true regrets in life are when I let myself down, when I abandoned myself; nothing good ever came from those choices. So get good at being good to yourself. That is what love stole from me. That is what I took back after love had gone and that is what I would want you to do now.’

       advice | get good at being good to yourself

      Delaware was perfect. The interview was perfect. I clicked off my Dictaphone and took a sip from my now freezing cup of coffee. The half-naked torso appeared at the door to the terrace and marched across to our table, sitting himself down in the chair next to mine. His upper body was horribly lean and muscular in an incredibly clichéd ‘I’m so gorgeous and toned’ kind of way. And there were bits of woodchip and dirt stuck to his sweaty naked skin.

      ‘So?’ He pulled his chair closer to mine. ‘Did Fat Camp receive the training bags? Have they read all the literature? Did they have their appointment at the running clinic? And the bra-fitting shop? Because they need to be well supported before they start running, emotionally, but also in the breast region. It’s important.’ Peter Parker was here, naked, and talking about tits in front of Delaware O’Hunt. Brilliant.

      ‘Peter, what are you doing here?’

      ‘Your grandma said she needed help setting up the firework display so I offered. Are you helping?’ I looked down at my incredibly smart dress, unsure what part of my outfit screamed Firework Preparation and Installation Expert. ‘Oh, God, I’m sorry,’ Peter said, leaning across me, leaving a trail of woodchips on my dress. ‘How rude of me, Delaware—how are you?’ he asked, kissing her firmly on each cheek with his big sweaty man face. ‘How is the fusion dance coming along? I still can’t perfect those moves you showed me.’

      ‘You don’t smile but you do fusion dance?’ I guffawed. That, as far as I was concerned, was ironic.

      ‘I told you, darl, it’s in those hips. You just have to practise. He’s a wonderful dance partner, Kate. You should get him to take you.’

      ‘Oh, Kate doesn’t dance,’ Peter said, brushing the woodchips from my dress as he sat himself back down. ‘Sorry about that,’ he said as he picked off the last woodchip, which was located very close to my well-supported although disappointingly small right boob. ‘No, Kate’s practically allergic to dancing. It’s an affliction.’

      ‘What do you mean I don’t dance? I can dance. I dance! I’m a dancer!!’ Peter frowned at me.

      ‘OK … You can dance. I mean, you can’t dance but if it makes you feel better I can say that you do.’

      ‘It’s not about me feeling better, Peter. It’s about operating within the realms of truth.’

      ‘I think you mean the realms of possibility. It’s possible that you could learn to dance with some instruction and dedicated practice. But the truth is that you currently can’t.’

      ‘You’ve been away for 15 years! How on earth do you know what I can and can’t do? I could have won the bloody Dance Olympics in that time!’

      ‘Well, did you? What year? In what dance category? Who designed your dress? Who did you compete against? What was your most complicated dance move?’

      Why was he obsessed with the details!?!

      ‘Well, we have had lovely weather today, haven’t we, darl?’ Delaware cooed. ‘And Kate and I have been busy reminiscing—’ she patted my knee ‘—helping me reconnect with my younger self. Although I’ve been talking nonstop and I know nothing about dear Kate, apart from the fact that you are a dancer,’ she said reassuringly.

      ‘She’s not a dancer,’ Peter muttered. ‘Fictitious Olympic appearances or otherwise.’

      ‘So, Kate,’ Delaware continued, ‘tell me a little bit about you.’ For the first time all morning she took off her dark glasses and put them on the table in front of her. ‘What exactly are you trying to do here?’ she said, looking me directly in the eyes. ‘What is this all about?’

      I looked from Peter, who was still frowning on account of my truth-bending, to Delaware.

      ‘I want to know what people gave up when they fell in love, so I can help get those things back. It’s a quest.’

      ‘I know that, darl. I just don’t understand why.’

      ‘Oh, well, I, well …’ I shuffled uncomfortably in my seat. ‘I, er, I want to—’ Peter turned away and pretended to stare at something fascinating on the shore. I turned back to Delaware but spoke more to my knees. ‘I would like people to acknowledge the preoccupation you mentioned in your diary.’ She nodded along, encouraging me. ‘I want people to live more in the moment, to be more present, for people to truly know what they want for themselves. People sometimes forget the things that make them happy when they fall in love. The relationship becomes the source of those feelings. It becomes the source of everything. So I suppose my goal is for people to reconnect with that lost part of themselves and stay connected to it. But I’ve found that lots of people don’t even know what makes them happy. So if I ask them what they’d be happy doing for the rest of their life in the absence of love it seems to help them answer from a place of naked truth.’ I couldn’t help but glance at Peter’s body when I said the word naked. He was still staring out at the lake. ‘And with that knowledge they’ll never lose themselves again, whatever happens in their life. They’ll be their own energy source, their own sustenance, their own sun, if you will.’ By this point I had pretty much faded out to a whisper.

      ‘But, Kate, darling girl, there are a million things you could be doing at this point in your life. Why would you want to spend all your time doing this?’

      ‘Because I plan to live the rest of my life alone, so I have the time. And I think if I could prevent even one person feeling how I felt, going through what I did, am, then it would be worthwhile. So that’s why I spend my time doing this, helping others to help themselves, helping others become their own sun.’

      ‘Well, that is very noble, isn’t it, Peter?’ she said, turning to Peter Parker. ‘Peter?’

      I looked around to find Peter staring blankly at me. I had an odd and unfamiliar feeling in my chest when our eyes met and Peter looked as if he’d been severely winded.

      ‘I should be helping your grandma,’ he said quietly before getting up and slowly walking off.

      He spent the rest of the afternoon standing next to the unlit bonfire in deep conversation with Grandma Josephine. He left just before it was lit.

      ⁶Millennium Bridge - steel suspension bridge for pedestrians crossing the River Thames, London

       two peas in the proverbial pod of happy coupledom

      ‘Kate Winters! Or should I say