Confessions Of A Domestic Failure. Bunmi Laditan

showered, even though no one would be able to smell me, and even did my hair and makeup. What to wear was a harder decision. My daily hoodie didn’t seem right. It was my first time meeting Emily Walker, so looking like a slob wasn’t an option. I settled on a long-sleeved purple cotton T-shirt.

      I was searching through the laundry pile on my bedroom floor for pants and clean underwear when I realized the call started in three minutes. I plopped Aubrey in her bouncy chair and grabbed the only remaining piece of clean underwear from my drawer, which just happened to be my wedding night white lace thong. It wasn’t like anyone was going to be seeing me from the waist down. Maybe I’d keep them on and surprise David tonight. Maybe.

      All of the participants were already logged on to the Motherhood Better portal before I signed in. With a little beep my name and face popped up in a pink-outlined square on the screen next to eleven other faces. It was almost like the Brady Brunch opener.

      The other moms were so lovely—they were all smiles and excited waving. It was like being part of an exclusive club. It was, in fact, an exclusive club. We were all better mothers. Or, at least, we would be.

      The moment Emily Walker’s face illuminated the screen was pure magic. I couldn’t get over the fact that Emily Walker, blogger turned media darling, could see me. Sure, I was just one of twelve little faces at the bottom of the screen with the other moms, but she could see me. She was just as beautiful in video conference as she was on Instagram. Her makeup was that “natural” style that I can never get quite right—the kind that looks like you aren’t wearing any at all but are just blessed by the gods with a flawless, dewy complexion and soft, tinted lips.

      In the V of her plush, white (moms can wear white?) cashmere V-neck sweater was a gold heart pendant held by a thin platinum chain. Emily’s jet-black hair was in an immaculate topknot and her face was framed by sparkly diamond earrings. She looked like a princess. There was something about her that almost looked like an oil painting come to life.

      “Hello, mommies!” Her voice was like a bell ringing. “Welcome to the first of six Motherhood Better Bootcamp video chats. Who’s ready to change their life?”

      There it was. The dazzling Emily Walker smile. Two rows of perfect white teeth. We all cheered! Aubrey stirred a little in her bouncy seat from the noise but didn’t wake up.

      “As you know, the Motherhood Better Bootcamp program is divided into six challenges. Every Monday, we’ll discuss the week’s challenge via video chat. Last week’s challenge was to reflect on the mom you’ve been versus the mom you want to be. The next five challenges are as follows. Week two, create a physical fitness regimen. Week three, find a hobby you truly love. Week four, put the spice back in your marriage. Week five, find your village of moms. And week six, turn your house into a home.

      “Okay, does everyone have their copy of Motherhood Better with them?” Emily asked, holding up her book.

      I did. So prepared. I felt like a Girl Scout. Minus the pants.

      “This week’s challenge is to shake off the shackles of baby weight and find a fitness routine that works for you. Please open it up to the first chapter, ‘Your Mommy Body: Your Mommy Temple.’ Who’s ready to get in shape?”

      The cheering was noticeably quieter this time, but everyone was still all smiles.

      Emily lifted a transparent water bottle monogrammed in black calligraphy with her initials.

      “If you follow me on Instagram, which I hope you do, you already know that every day I drink no less than seventy ounces of water infused with lemon, stevia and fresh-pressed ginger. I call it my ‘mommy tonic’ and it’s what helps me stay on top of my five kids and bustling business!”

      Emily took a dramatic sip from the bottle.

      “Yummy! The recipe is on the Motherhood Better online communication portal. By the way, don’t forget to check into the forums daily and let us know how you’re doing!”

      I made a note to myself to buy a cute water bottle and make some mommy tonic. Hopefully it tasted something like a gin and tonic.

      Emily put the bottle down. “Okay, this week, your challenge is to focus on your health by adopting a fitness routine that works for you. Every morning, I spend forty-five minutes with my personal trainer, Sven, and we...”

      My mind wandered. Oh, we all knew about Sven. He was the Norwegian Hercules who graced Emily’s blog regularly, and always in some kind of graceful but intimidating yoga pose. Most of the time he donned only a pair of skintight elastic short shorts. The way his skin glistened in Emily’s photos, it looked like he’d been freshly oiled up for a body building competition. All of Emily’s followers were obsessed with him, and posts featuring her trainer always were flooded with comments.

      Is he available for sessions out of state?

      What are his rates?

      I snapped myself back to reality.

      “Sven and I prefer to exercise in nature and barefoot. It promotes a mind/body/Earth connection. Look, ladies, if I can get my body back after birthing five littles, so can you!” Emily continued. “Now, I’d like to hear from some of you. What are your personal body goals?”

      A mom with long, wavy brown hair, a glittery tank top and expensive-looking sunglasses perched on her head spoke up. “Yeah, hi. I’m Kimmie from Los Angeles.” She popped her chewing gum. “My personal body goal is to lose the last one-and-a-half pounds of baby weight and complete the last abdominal skin laser treatments from my plastic surgeon. It’s painful, but I know I’m worth it.”

      Emily smiled sweetly into her camera. “Those are all very good goals, Kimmie. Would anyone else like to share?”

      Two more women shared their goals. Fiona, a mom with two dark brown braids that hit just past her armpits, said she wanted to start every day with yoga. A woman named Lillian with a short blond bob talked about joining some kind of stroller exercise club.

      “These are all so fantastic,” Emily said, clapping her hands. “I just know this week will be a turning point. Remember, it’s not about being a size two, it’s about having the confidence of a size two.”

      The call ended in a way that I couldn’t have ever imagined.

      “Before we go, I’d like to introduce the group to our new member, Ashley Keller. She’s replacing Mellie.”

      She said “Mellie” like the name tasted bitter in her mouth.

      “We’re so excited to have you, Ashley! You do have a human child, right?” she asked, with a slightly annoyed giggle.

      I was frozen with shock that Emily Walker was addressing me by name but managed to sputter out an embarrassed, “Yes.”

      “Tell us a little about yourself, Ashley!”

      “Um, my name is Ashley...”

      Duh! She just said that! I could feel my face getting hot. I rubbed my sweaty palms on my shirt. “My daughter, Aubrey, is, um...”