Encampment at Cladich. Time – Eleven, A.M.
SCENE – The Portal of the Pavilion.
North – Buller – Seward.
BULLER.
I know there is nothing you dislike so much as personal observations —
NORTH.
On myself to myself – not at all on others.
BULLER.
Yet I cannot help telling you to your face, sir, that you are one of the finest-looking old men —
NORTH.
Elderly gentlemen, if you please, sir.
BULLER.
In Britain, in Europe, in the World. I am perfectly serious, sir. You are.
NORTH.
You needed not to say you were perfectly serious: for I suffer no man to be ironical on Me, Mr Buller. I am.
BULLER.
Such a change since we came to Cladich! Seward was equally shocked, with myself, at your looks on board the Steamer. So lean – so bent – so sallow – so haggard – in a word – so aged!
NORTH.
Were you shocked, Seward?
SEWARD.
Buller has such a blunt way with him that he often makes me blush. I was not shocked, my dear sir, but I was affected.
BULLER.
Turning to me, he said in a whisper, "What a wreck!"
NORTH.
I saw little alteration on you, Mr Seward; but as to Buller, it was with the utmost difficulty I could be brought, by his reiterated asseverations, into a sort of quasi-belief in his personal identity; and even now, it is far from amounting to anything like a settled conviction. Why, his face is twice the breadth it used to be – and so red! It used to be narrow and pale. Then what a bushy head – now, cocker it as he will, bald. In figure was he not slim? Now, stout's the word. Stout – stout – yes, Buller, you have grown stout, and will grow stouter – your doom is to be fat – I prophesy paunch —
BULLER.
Spare me – spare me, sir. Seward should not have interrupted me – 'twas but the first impression – and soon wore off – those Edinboro' people have much to answer for – unmercifully wearing you out at their ceaseless soirées– but since you came to Cladich, sir, Christopher's Himself again – pardon my familiarity – nor can I now, after the minutest inspection, and severest scrutiny, detect one single additional wrinkle on face or forehead – nay, not a wrinkle at all – not one – so fresh of colour, too, sir, that the irradiation is at times ruddy – and without losing an atom of expression, the countenance absolutely – plump. Yes, sir, plump's the word – plump, plump, plump.
NORTH.
Now you speak sensibly, and like yourself, my dear Buller. I wear well.
BULLER.
Your enemies circulated a report —
NORTH.
I did not think I had an enemy in the world.
BULLER.
Your friends, sir, had heard a rumour – that you had mounted a wig.
NORTH.
And was there, among them all, one so weak-minded as to believe it? But to be sure, there are no bounds to the credulity of mankind.
BULLER.
That you had lost your hair – and that, like Sampson —
NORTH.
And by what Delilah had my locks been shorn?
SEWARD.
It all originated, I verily believe, sir, in the moved imagination of the Pensive Public:
"Res est soliciti plena timoris Amor."
NORTH.
Buller, I see little, if any – no change whatever – on you, since the days of Deeside – nor on you, Seward. Yes, I do. Not now, when by yourselves; but when your boys are in Tent, ah! then I do indeed – a pleasant, a happy, a blessed change! Bright boys they are – delightful lads – noble youths – and so are my Two – emphasis on my—
SEWARD AND BULLER.
Yes, all emphasis, and may the Four be friends for life.
NORTH.
In presence of us old folks, composed and respectful – in manly modesty attentive to every word we say – at times no doubt wearisome enough! Yet each ready, at a look or pause, to join in when we are at our gravest – and the solemn may be getting dull – enlivening the sleepy flow of our conversation as with rivulets issuing from pure sources in the hills of the morning —
SEWARD.
Ay – ay; heaven bless them all!
NORTH.
Why, there is more than sense – more than talent – there is genius among them – in their eyes and on their tongues – though they have no suspicion of it – and that is the charm. Then how they rally one another! Witty fellows all Four. And the right sort of raillery. Gentlemen by birth and breeding, to whom in their wildest sallies vulgarity is impossible – to whom, on the giddy brink – the perilous edge – still adheres a native Decorum superior to that of all the Schools.
SEWARD.
They have their faults, sir —
NORTH.
So have we. And 'tis well for us. Without faults we should be unloveable.
SEWARD.
In affection I spake.
NORTH.
I know you did. There is no such hateful sight on earth as a perfect character. He is one mass of corruption – for he is a hypocrite – intus et in cute– by the necessity of nature. The moment a perfect character enters a room – I leave it.
SEWARD.
What if you happened to live in the neighbourhood of the nuisance?
NORTH.
Emigrate. Or remain here – encamped for life – with imperfect characters – till the order should issue – Strike Tent.
BULLER.
My Boy has a temper of his own.
NORTH.
Original – or acquired?
BULLER.
Naturally sweet-blooded – assuredly by the mother's side – but in her goodness she did all she could to spoil him. Some excuse – We have but Marmy.
NORTH.
And his father, naturally not quite so sweet-blooded, does all he can to preserve him? Between the two, a pretty Pickle he is. Has thine a temper of his own, too, Seward?
SEWARD.
Hot.
NORTH.
Hereditary.
SEWARD.
No – North. A milder, meeker, Christian Lady than his mother is not in England.
NORTH.
I confess I was at the moment not thinking of his mother. But somewhat too much of this. I hereby authorise the Boys of this Empire to have what tempers they choose – with one sole exception – The Sulky.
BULLER.
The Edict is promulged.
NORTH.
Once, and once only, during one of the longest and best-spent lives on record, was I in the mood proscribed – and it endured most part of a whole day. The Anniversary of that day I observe, in severest solitude, with a salutary horror. And it is my Birthday. Ask me not, my friends, to reveal the Cause. Aloof from confession before