The Idiot at Home. John Kendrick Bangs

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       John Kendrick Bangs

      The Idiot at Home

      Published by Good Press, 2021

       [email protected]

      EAN 4064066219741

Table of Contents

       I

       BY WAY OF INTRODUCTION

       II

       A LITTLE DINNER TO SOME OLD FRIENDS

       III

       IN THE LIBRARY

       IV

       AS TO A SMALL DINNER

       V

       ON THE MAINTENANCE OF AN ATTIC

       VI

       THE IDIOT'S GARDEN

       VII

       HOUSEHOLD POETRY

       VIII

       SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE HIRED MAN

       IX

       ON SOCIAL ACCOUNTS

       X

       AS TO SANTA CLAUS

       XI

       AS TO NEW-YEAR'S DAY

       XII

       SOME DOMESTIC INVENTIONS

       XIII

       A SUBURBAN COMPLICATION

       XIV

       SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE MOTH

       XV

       SOME CONSIDERATION OF THE BURGLAR

       XVI

       CONCLUSION

I

       Table of Contents

BY WAY OF INTRODUCTION

       Table of Contents

      "My dear," said the Idiot one morning, as he and his good wife and the two little ones, Mollie and Tommy, sat down at the breakfast-table, "now that we are finally settled in our new house I move we celebrate. Let's give a dinner to my old friends of Mrs. Smithers's; they were nice old people, and I should like to get them together again. I saw Dr. Pedagog in the city yesterday, and he inquired most affectionately, not to say anxiously, about the children."

      "Why should he be anxious about the children?" asked Mrs. Idiot, placidly, as she sweetened her husband's coffee. "Does he suspect them of lacking completeness or variety?"

      The Idiot tapped his forehead significantly.

      "He didn't know whether they take after you or after me, but I relieved his mind on that score," he said. "I told him that they didn't take after anybody that either of us ever knew. They have started in on a line of Idiocy that is entirely their own. He seemed very much pleased when I said that, and observed that he was glad to hear it."

      Mrs. Idiot laughed.

      "It was very nice of the Doctor to ask about them, but I am a little afraid he wants to take a hand in their bringing up," she said.

      "No doubt of it," said the Idiot. "Pedagog always was anxious to experiment. Many a time I have suspected him of having designs even on me."

      "Mrs. Pedagog told me last year that he had devised an entirely new system of home training," observed Mrs. Idiot, "and they both regretted that they had no children of their own to try it on."

      "And of course you offered to lend Tommy to them?" said the Idiot, with a sly glance at his son, who was stowing away his oatmeal at a rate that bade fair to create a famine.

      "Of course," said Mrs. Idiot. "He's got to get raw material somewhere, and I thought Tommy would be just the thing."

      "Well, I ain't a-goin'," said Tommy, helping himself liberally and for the third time to the oatmeal.

      "My son," said the Idiot, with a mock show of sternness, "if your mother chooses to lend you to any one it is not for you to say that you 'ain't a-goin'. It may be that I shall interfere to the extent of demanding to know what security for your safe return is offered, but otherwise neither you nor I shall intervene. What your mother says is law for you as well as for me. Please understand that, Thomas."

      "All right, pa," said Tommy; and then he added in an undertone, presumably to the butter, "But I ain't a-goin', just the same."

      "I'll go," said Mollie, who rather liked the idea of being lent to somebody, since it involved a visit to some strange and therefore fascinating spot away from home. "Lend me to somebody, will you, mamma?"

      "Yes, ma, lend