File Under: 13 Suspicious incidents
First published in Great Britain 2018
by Egmont UK Limited
The Yellow Building
1 Nicholas Road
London W11 4AN
Text copyright © 2018 Lemony Snicket
Art copyright © 2018 Seth
Illustrations published by arrangement with Little, Brown, and Company, New York, New York, USA. All rights reserved.
The moral rights of the author and artist have been asserted
First e-book edition 2018
Ebook ISBN 978 1 4052 7643 6
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.
CONTENTS
BAD GANG.
SILVER SPOON.
VIOLENT BUTCHER.
TWELVE OR THIRTEEN.
MIDNIGHT DEMON.
THREE SUSPECTS.
VANISHED MESSAGE.
TROUBLESOME GHOST.
FIGURE IN FOG.
Sub-file B: CONCLUSIONS.
BLACK PAINT.
DEEP MINE.
DISHONEST SALESMAN.
BACKSEAT.
LOUD DOG.
QUIET STREET.
THROUGH THE WINDOW.
BENEATH THE STREET.
HOMEMADE FURNITURE.
SMALL COURTYARD.
TWENTY-FIVE GUESTS.
MISSING PETS.
SMALL SOUND.
LARGE MEAL.
CHALKED NAME.
OTHER NAME.
PANICKED FEET.
SAND AND SHORE.
VERY OBVIOUS.
POOR JOKE.
MESSAGE RECEIVED.
MESSAGE RECORDED.
TRAIN WRECK.
NERVOUS WRECK.
SHOUTED WORD.
LAST WORD.
Sub-file III: ALL THE WRONG QUESTIONS
Back series promotional page
ABOUT THE AUTHORS.
Please find enclosed herein thirteen (13) reports filed under “Suspicious Incidents” in our archives. The thirteen (13) reports have thirteen (13) conclusions which have been separated from their corresponding reports for security reasons. The reports are contained in sub-file One (1) and the conclusions in sub-file B (b) so that it is impossible for each report and conclusion to be in the same place at once. For your convenience, both sub-files are enclosed together in this bound volume.
The information contained herein is secret and important, meant only for members of our organization. If you are not a member of our organization, please put this down, as it is neither secret nor important and therefore will not interest you.
All misfiled information, by definition, is none of your business.
Inside Job. Pinched Creature. Ransom Note. Walkie-Talkie. Bad Gang. Silver Spoon. Violent Butcher. Twelve or Thirteen. Midnight Demon. Three Suspects. Vanished Message. Troublesome Ghost. Figure in Fog.
One morning I was arguing with the adult in charge of me. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what that is like, and it is one of the world’s great difficulties that this sort of argument goes on nearly every place on almost every morning between practically every child and some adult or other. Another one of the world’s great difficulties was S. Theodora Markson. During my time in Stain’d-by-the-Sea, Theodora was my chaperone and I was her apprentice. Being her apprentice meant that we shared a small room in a hotel called the Lost Arms. The room was too small to share with one of the world’s great difficulties, and this was probably why we were arguing.
“Lemony Snicket,” she was saying to me, “tell me exactly what being an apprentice means.”
“S. Theodora Markson,” I said, “tell me exactly what the S stands for in your name.”
“Snide answers aren’t proper,” she said. “They’re not sensible.”
“I know it,” I said, and I did. “Snide” is a word which here means “the kind of tone you use in an argument,” and “sensible” refers to the tone you are supposed to use instead.
“If you’re smart enough to know that,” Theodora said, snidely, “then tell me all about being an apprentice.”
“You and I are in a secret organization,” I began, but Theodora looked wildly around the room and shook her head at me. My chaperone’s hair was a crazed and woolly mess, so when she looked around the room and shook her head, it was like seeing something go wrong at a mop factory.
“Shush!”