I would like to dedicate this book to my mum, dad and sister, for dragging them to hell and back.
I would also like to thank all of the doctors and carers who looked after me: Brian Lask, Dee Dawson, Paul Byrne and Sam Swinglehurst.
CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication
Epigraph
Foreword
Prologue
Chapter 1 Fun, Food and Family
Chapter 2 Things Fall Apart
Chapter 3 A Big, Fat Lump
Chapter 4 Never Give In
Chapter 5 The Maudsley
Chapter 6 I Don’t Belong Here
Chapter 7 Hillingdon Hospital
Chapter 8 Collingham Gardens
Chapter 9 Too Uncool for School
Chapter 10 Raw Anger
Chapter 11 Death Pact
Chapter 12 Zombie Child
Chapter 13 Get On and Die
Chapter 14 Sedgemoor
Chapter 15 Huntercombe
Chapter 16 I’ll Never Have to Eat Again
Chapter 17 Rhodes Farm
Chapter 18 I Want to Live
Chapter 19 A New Struggle
Chapter 20 Never Going Back
Chapter 21 Big Brother
Chapter 22 The Magic and the Misery
Chapter 23 A Life Worth Living
Epilogue
Further reading and resources
Plates
About the Author
Copyright
In order to protect their identities, many names of patients in the hospitals and institutions have been changed.
This new edition of Nikki Grahame’s book is an update on what’s been happening following the release of Dying to be Thin in 2009. Nikki has achieved unimaginable success since her last hospital admission at the age of 19; she has proved to herself that life can be wonderful and there is good to be found in this world. After so many years of misery and battles with herself and every single person who tried to help her, countless doctors and health professionals, her family and school friends, finally she has made a place for herself and glimpsed happiness. She has also become an aunty to my lovely little boy, Sunny Wren.
And for a while Nikki seemed to overcome the illness that has owned her and monopolised our family life for so long but something I have learnt – in the seemingly endless years that she has battled anorexia – is that it never really goes away. Not completely. Especially not when the illness takes over a person, as it did my sister. It is always with her, like her shadow, a closest friend and at the same time, a most hated enemy. And time again that shadow has cast its darkness over her. Once again, with an outpatient’s admission to an eating disorders unit, she must find the strength to fight, literally for her life. And whilst it is no doubt hardest of all for Nikki herself, it is utterly heartbreaking for us, her family.
Nikki is the strongest person I have ever known, so brave and determined, but she is still my little baby sister and fragile in my eyes. My instinct to protect her is as strong as ever. I know that my nagging her to put on weight, cut down on exercise and take better care of herself must be tedious and I’m frequently told exactly what to do with that advice. Anorexics often need to feel a sense of control, with their desire for control being projected onto their relationship with food. Through my family’s experience with Nikki’s illness we have seen that our best intentions to help her have sometimes had the opposite effect: leading to her fighting us harder, and the anorexia becoming stronger. Trying to give Nikki the space and understanding she needs whilst attempting to manage our own fears for her has proved to be a challenging balancing act!
The years of illness have taken their toll on our relationship. At too young an age, sisterly mischief and fun was pushed aside for envy and resentment. Nikki was jealous of my freedom; that I was at home, at school, out with friends, amongst the living and not the dying. In turn I resented her for taking my parents away from me (I would spend days on end alone in the house whilst Mum was at the hospital tending to Nik). With the development of her illness, it felt as if the world forgot about me. Of course, I felt guilty for being free and healthy and whilst frantically worried about her, I was also envious of the attention she was getting. I was desperately concerned about my mum, who was helpless in the face of Nikki’s determination to starve to death, too. These confusing and negative feelings made me so angry with my sister.
Our relationship is still troubled; perhaps it always will be. I hope that in time my son will bring us closer together – Nikki is a wonderful aunty. Due to the damage caused by her illness she is unable to conceive naturally, a consequence not often considered by anorexics whilst caught up in the condition. Being Sunny’s aunty may well be the closest she ever comes to motherhood. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with sadness at the harm and suffering this illness has caused my sister and our family.
There were many contributing factors to Nikki’s recent struggles. The experience of writing the first edition of this book was extremely painful for her and during that process she was reacquainted with various bad habits and unhealthy rituals that have always been so hard for her to let go of. Life in the public eye has also proved to be quite stressful – whilst she thrives in front of a camera, the uncertainty of a career in show business can be very unsettling. Combined with the fickle and loud voice of the media in this country, it’s really no surprise that someone as vulnerable as Nikki has succumbed to such a serious relapse.
For a long time I believed she was finally OK, although I would still have the occasional nightmare about crumbling bones and feeding tubes, which after 20 years of trauma seems fairly natural! But over the last couple of years she has slipped further and further from us and the sad reality is that we could lose her. I hope there has been some catharsis for Nikki in the writing of this second edition. We have always known that before she can begin to receive help, she must first admit to herself that there is a problem, which she has done in the following pages. I am so proud of her for this and for everything else she has achieved in life.
Nikki is a patron of the National Osteoporosis Society and an ambassador for Body Gossip, and hopes to raise awareness of anorexia and other eating disorders through this book.
Natalie Grahame, May 2012
I was clutching the gleaming metal award so tightly in my hands that my knuckles had turned white.
In front of me, around each of the six golden tiers of the Royal Albert Hall, were more than five thousand people, clapping, cheering and even screaming my name.
Through the bright lights I could see Simon Cowell, David Walliams and Billie Piper, all applauding … me!
It was the most amazing moment of my life.
I’d just been presented with the award for Most Popular TV Contender 2006 at the National Television Awards for my time in the Big Brother house earlier that year.
My mum and I had spent hours searching for the perfect