For Helen, Charlotte, Lola and Daniel
THIS BOOK WOULD never have seen the light of day without the encouragement and expertise of my friend Nigel Bowden, who alas is no longer with us. I owe him a big thank you and will never forget his encouragement. The world is a dimmer place without ‘slippery of the Costas’.
I’d like to acknowledge all of the brilliant reps and guests I worked with during my ten years in the job – you were all brilliant.
A big thank you to my wife, Helen, who has lived with this project for far too long. She has been my impromptu editor and critic, and she is the only one I really listen to.
To all the people who have been forced to sit and listen to the raw script – Allan Mclean, Angie Jones, Malcolm, Julie and Sofia and all those who I have forgotten – I can’t thank you enough.
I reserve a very special thanks for Niel Roberts, who had the kindness to lend me a laptop that he never got back! That laptop was the very tool that helped me to transform my hand written scripts into a typed, ready-to-read manuscript – a massive thanks to you and also your brother, Mike, who is forever alive in this book.
Thanks must go to my parents, John and Theresa, for all their unwavering support. Also Mary, Greg, Lorraine, Suzannah, Chris, Rob, Carolyn, Jenna, Ruby and Faye. Ian and Val also deserve a mention for their continued labour, and Geoff and Sue, who now live a life of luxury after a lifetime of hard work – you too are in some way responsible for inspiring and encouraging me to finish this work.
CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
INTRODUCTION
1. REPPING: WHAT’S IT ALL ABOUT?
2. WELCOME TO IBIZA
3. SAN MIGUEL – IT’S NO SAN ANTONIO
4. SKIING
5. A SLOW BULLET TO THE ALPS
6. ADOLPH HITLER RUINED MY HOLIDAY
7. THE CHARM OF GREECE
8. COLDITZ AND POLYVOTIS
9. THE JOYS OF LANZAROTE
10. TEAM TENERIFE
11. BENIDORM: SPIRITUAL HOME OF THE PACKAGE HOLIDAY
12. AIRPORTS AND AEROPLANES
13. HOME AND AWAY
14. THE LAST RESORT
Copyright
THE LIFE OF A REP is a privileged existence. If you ever get the chance to live overseas, and get paid for it, grab it with both hands because it’s a wonderful experience. To be a rep working for thousands of British holidaymakers is amazing, and anyone lucky enough to experience it will get a lifetime’s worth of wonderful memories. I’ve been very lucky in my life, and I am truly grateful for having the opportunity to be a rep.
I have moved on nowadays but I cherish the memories of working in the holiday industry. I miss the people I worked with; they were all brilliant and very different. Many of them, in their own individual way, gave me the inspiration to write this memoir, so I wish to thank the teams from Ibiza, Lanzarote, Tenerife, Kos and, of course, the Austrian Alps – you really were the best. I’d love to get you all back together again but over the years I’ve learnt the past is best left in the past, where it belongs. Thanks to you all.
I started this diary before I had even left the UK; I somehow knew that one day it would end up in print. The life of a rep is just too good not to be recorded. I have done the best I can to put my memories down on paper, and I apologise if I have offended anyone at all – it was never intended. The views I express are mine and mine alone. I’ve tried to be as accurate as possible, but at times my memory may have altered the story.
I have tried to include all of the places I’ve had the privilege of working in, even the winter destinations, but I am sure I may have sometimes mixed up personalities and destinations; however, the main points are all there. Should you by any slim chance think you recognise yourself, it’s probably not you. I have tried to be discreet where possible and never set out to offend anyone, so please forgive me if I have strayed over the line. And, whilst I mostly remember and indeed only write about the guests that caused me problems – or the dickheads and numpties – I have to stress that the majority of people I came across were fantastic, happy people, but they are the ones I have forgotten.
My final thanks must go to you, the reader – thank you. Before you continue to read my story, try to put aside your preconceptions because my story will probably turn out to be very different from what you are imagining. I hope you enjoy the read.
Lastly, and one final thought, I think the role of the rep has changed over the years – with the advent of cheap flights and the adventurous spirit of the British holidaymaker, people have been led away from traditional package tours – but the golden days of repping may well come back again. I certainly hope they return, because even though the reps had great fun, I think most of the people we worked with had a fantastic time, too.
Cy Flood, 2012
I PUSHED OPEN the bathroom door. There before me was a naked man on all fours in an empty white bath. He had been there for some time, trying not to move. His face was contorted with pain and embarrassment. A toilet brush was protruding from his backside. The business end of the implement stuck out of his rear as if it was a porcupine’s tail. Most of the ten-inch-long, white plastic handle was wedged deep in his rectum.
A wave of uncontrollable laughter began to sweep over me, but twelve years as a tour rep instantly subdued any wisp of a smile. Instead, I gave the usual cheery greeting:
‘Hi, Mr Brown. Is everything OK?’
He winced and managed to say, ‘Actually, no.’
Tour rep training teaches you to be positive whatever the circumstances. ‘Have you tried giving it a good tug?’ I blurted out, in an attempt to be helpful.
‘Of course I have,’ groaned Mr Brown.
Standing next to me in the small bathroom was Mrs Brown. The causes of her tears and worry were many. She had failed in her attempts to deliver her husband from his anal agony and was now forced to seek my help. She expected me to conjure up an instant remedy and, at the same time, ensure that none of the other hotel guests, or the management, or the company I worked for, ever got to hear of the family’s shame. Mr Brown’s two young children sat on the sofa in the next room and watched their father with concern.