To Geinor, who has followed the flag with unstinting good humour, fortitude, devotion and love.
I have served with so many people. All have, in one manner or another, contributed to this book. The greatest privilege is to be given command of paratroopers. I was lucky to command (among others) the best soldiers possible in 6 Platoon, B Company 2 PARA; the Medium Machine Gun Platoon of 2 PARA; D Company 2 PARA; 3 Commando of The Canadian Airborne Regiment – and the greatest privilege of all – commanding 2 PARA. All have shaped who I am and what I believe. Far too many have now ridden off to the Valkyries, either through death in combat or through the curse of cancer, or because they could not cope with what life threw at them after their military service. In particular, RSM Jack Lemmon, who was a legend, ‘Louis’ Lewis, and the recent sad addition of Hank Hood to their number. They have all ‘gone to Hell to regroup’ as the Toms would say.
Those looking for a unified theory of the military within this book will not find it. There are contradictions. This is deliberate, because it is a story of people and how they react. And of how I reacted at various times in my career. I had a fourfold intention in writing this book: to make you laugh, to make you cry, to inform you and, occasionally, to make you think.
I give special thanks to those who were platoon commanders with me in the Falklands: John Shaw, Guy Wallis and Mark Coe of A Company; Geoff Weighell and Ernie Hocking of B Company, and Shaun Webster, Jacko Page, and Chris Waddington of D Company. And to Jim Barry, who did not come back.
There have been those from whom I have picked up traits, habits or even ‘education’ during my career; those who I truly admired. These include John Crosland, Phil Neame, David Chaundler, Adrian Freer, David Benest, ‘Cedric’, Tim Granville-Chapman, Nick Parker and Graeme Lamb. One of these told me always to rebel against ‘gnomes’. He will know who he is. There are some gnomes within the following pages. Gnomes need to be slayed. More recently, I thank General Jim Mattis of US Central Command – the finest warrior leader I have encountered. I wish him a happy retirement after all he has contributed to the USA.
My professional thoughts have been influenced by various military thinkers. On the 25th anniversary of the Falklands campaign, I included Field Marshal Slim and T E Lawrence in my list of six favourite military books for The Times Books section (Saturday 21 April 2007.) I also admire Field Marshal Wavell and Liddell Hart greatly. You will see this during the book.
I thank Peter Russell, that great photographer friend of the Airborne, for his permission to use a number of his magnificent P Company and parachuting pictures (www.peterrussellphotography.com).
The army is going through a time of change. While it is in the hands of General Peter Wall, as Chief of the General Staff, it will have a chance of pragmatic sense being spoken. If Richard Barrons or Nick Carter (or both?) are part of the future succession, that will continue. I hope my personal endorsement of these two fine officers has not ruined their chances!
Finally, I give special thanks to Rosie and Tom Chapman who were disruptively dragged around the world when they were growing up, living in far too many places for their own good. They have been the most brilliant kids: they also served!
CONTENTS
1 Title Page
2 Dedication
3 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
4 PREFACE
1 CHAPTER 1 LIONS LED BY DONKEYS
2 CHAPTER 2 JOINING THE ‘REG’: P COMPANY AND PARACHUTING
3 CHAPTER 3 MEN AT WAR – THE FALKLANDS 1982
4 CHAPTER 4 THE ‘TOMS’
5 CHAPTER 5 FOLLOWING THE FLAG: WIVES, GIRLFRIENDS AND HANGERS-ON
6 CHAPTER 6 NICKNAMES
7 CHAPTER 7 TRAINING AND EDUCATION
8 CHAPTER 8 DISCIPLINE
9 CHAPTER 9 FOREIGN TRAVEL AND ALLIES
10 CHAPTER 10 THE MINISTRY OF DEFENCE
11 CHAPTER 11 GENERALSHIP, COMMAND AND LEADERSHIP
12 CHAPTER 12 LA VIE MILITAIRE
1 CAREER CHRONOLOGY
2 GLOSSARY
3 Plates
4 Copyright
‘Please understand there is no depression in this house and we are not interested in possibilities of defeat: they do not exist.’
– Victoria R I (and the maxim on the desk of General James Mattis, Commander US Central Command, Tampa, 2010 – 2013)
Everything written here is false. If it were true, you would think it false. Galileo discovered by observation that the world was round and revolved around the Sun. Until his discovery, and beyond, many people believed the world to be flat. That was false but it was not a lie. So, everything here is true – otherwise it would be a lie. I will leave you to make up your own mind on that account.
Miss D V House wrote on my school report, aged 11: ‘Chapman has discovered much from books, films, talks and general observation. He assimilates the knowledge before presenting it in his very own way, conscientiously and in a clean attractive style.’ I hope you might in part agree. Some names have been changed to protect the living and the dead, those guilty and those who were innocent. Whoever they were, they have given me a rich tapestry of experiences.
The great British prime minister, Lord Palmerston, was once told by a foreign national that, ‘If I were not a Frenchman, I should wish to be an Englishman.’ Palmerston replied, ‘If I were not an Englishman, I should wish to be an Englishman.’ It has been a privilege to serve in two great institutions: the British army at the macro level, and the one that is even stronger than the British army at a lower level: the Parachute Regiment, an exemplar of the best of the regimental system and cohesion between men in adversity.
The wonderful collection of characters represented in the pages that follow are largely from the annals of airborne forces. To paraphrase Palmerston, if I were not in the British army, I should have wished to be in the British army. And if I were not a paratrooper, I should have wished to be a paratrooper. In my meanderings around the globe and throughout the world of defence, I have had the privilege of not needing to wish on either account.
I joined the army in 1980 on a three-year Short Service Commission and managed to extend it for 30 more years. It was an army 229,700-strong, including the Territorial Army (TA), and still full of historic names and nuances. The TA was more widely known among regular soldiers at the time as ‘Stupid TA Bastards’ or STABs. Now that the army is an Equal Opportunities Employer such language is no longer used: the TA now has an equal opportunity to be killed in Afghanistan alongside regular colleagues.
The TA reciprocated in their dislike of regular soldiers, who were known by them as ‘Arrogant Regular Army Bastards’ or ARABs. The Territorial Army is to change its name for the first time in more than 100 years to become the Army Reserve (AR) and we already have the first two letters of a new acronym for the regular army to use. Orwell was probably right that although all animals are equal, some are more equal than others; not that we were animals. The army’s two component parts, the Regular and