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Copyright © 2018 Deborah Thomson
National Library of Australia
Cataloguing-in-Publication data
Deborah Thomson, author.
ISBN 9780648150862 (paperback)
9780648242697 (ebook)
Printed in Australia
Cover art by Kelly Lawrence
Cover design by Alice Cannet
Typesetting by Elly Cridland
BE PUBLISHED
Publish through a successful publisher. National Distribution.
International Distribution to the United Kingdom, North America.
Sales Representation to South East Asia
Email: [email protected]
Dedicated to my youngest daughter for encouraging
me to leave before it was too late.
Acknowledgements
I wish to acknowledge my mother, Laurie Gilbert, without whom I would not be here today writing my account. I may have had the courage to leave the abuse in theory; however, without Laurie I would not have known how to put that into practice. Her patience over the years following my exit from the marital home has been inspirational.
I also wish to acknowledge my wonderful partner P. B, who not only inspired me to write this book but also patiently edited it, ironing out the occasional ramblings within its pages. His love and guidance has lifted me to greater heights than I would have thought possible.
I thank my good friends Debra Button and Ros Muir who have gotten behind my campaign in ways other than donating alone to promote this book’s publication. Their support has helped make my words a printed reality.
Lastly, I wish to acknowledge my three daughters, in particular my youngest, whose bravery and compassion know no bounds.
Preface
Abuse of a person may be threefold. First, there is the direct abuse by the perpetrator. Abuse can also take the form of a complete lack of remorse by the abuser and their refusal to apologise for their actions or recognise their fault at all. Thirdly, abuse may occur when friends, family or the general public, after finding out about the domestic violence, aim condemnation and judgment at the sufferer for either staying with the abuser or leaving and then returning to the perpetrator. Thus, abuse may be indirectly perpetrated when people around the victim are aware of the violence but choose to ignore it, often arguing that it’s a domestic issue or none of their business. Overall, the judgment of others, the stigma associated with being a victim of domestic violence and the accompanying feeling of being a pariah in society compound the self-hatred and low self-esteem of the victim. Rather than judgment, compassion and support from others is most necessary.
Throughout the relationship, I felt utter contempt for myself partly because I accepted his abuse but also because his violence did not compel me to leave when it should have. Wayne took my personal contempt and ran with it, using it for his own abusive purposes. In my mind, I had legitimate reasons to stay, irrespective of the abuse I’d received. This should have alerted me to just how dangerous my capacity for self-deception was. I was emotionally, sexually and physically assaulted on numerous occasions yet continued to justify Wayne’s behaviour to myself. Because self-deception is often a primary causal factor in an abused person’s decision to stay, it is imperative that outside professional help is sought as quickly as possible into an abusive relationship to clarify what is really happening between persecutor and victim. I hope that readers who may currently find themselves in situations similar to mine will recognise the importance of keeping a clear mind and the ability to see the abuse as others see it: reprehensible and extremely difficult to fix in isolation.
There are reasons shared by the majority of abusers as to why they abuse others. An abuser may have had continued exposure to others in the family being abused. Repeated exposure will result in abusive behaviour becoming ‘normalised’ and the child sees these behaviours as an inevitable part of the family dynamics, the way arguments are resolved between family members. Abusing family members becomes a learned behaviour in adulthood. Perhaps they themselves were abused in childhood and to resolve this abuse they use matching abusive measures in adulthood.
An abuser may have an untreated disorder such as anti-social personality disorder or a psychopathy where they derive pleasure from witnessing others’ pain especially when they are the ones inflicting the pain.
There may be unresolved anger issues that result in anger becoming uncontrolled and unmanaged. Poor impulse control, unresolved trauma or drug and alcohol abuse together with excessive pent-up anger invariably lead to a ‘short fuse’ whereby the smallest or totally unrelated event triggers an outward explosive display of anger that seemingly comes from nowhere.
Abusers often lack empathy, are narcissistic or lack an accurate perception of reality; they can’t see their own behaviour as abusive so they keep doing it.
In the majority of cases, abusers have control issues; they have to be in charge and remain in control by using domination and intimidation (www.pro.psychocentral.com, 2017). Acknowledging why certain people abuse others does not justify behaviours. However, understanding the abuse and recognising it for what it really is will help the abused take positive steps to remove themselves from abusive situations.
There are crucial warning signs that domestic violence (defined by professional social workers as the systematic, wilful pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another) is occurring within the relationship.
Crucial signs indicative of abuse include:
Exclusive commitment – There is a strong pressure from the other for exclusive commitment in the relationship. The abuser comes on strong, quickly, and often threatens to leave if you don’t move in with them.
Jealousy - The abuser is constantly jealous. Prior to living with you, they call or visit often, usually without notice.
Controlling behaviours – These behaviours can take the form of interrogations such as constantly asking where you’ve been or who you’ve seen that day. You are required to get permission to go somewhere or do something. This often happens very early in a relationship.
Psychological abuse – This is a form of manipulation which leads to the victim losing their sense of reality and ability to discern unacceptable from acceptable behaviours. Very quickly this ability is diminished to the point where you accept abusive behaviour