Getting it Right
A Guide to Healthy Relationships
By
Dr. Robert Puff, Ph.D.
&
Elizabeth Cappelletti LMFT
Dr. Robert Puff, Ph.D.
2436 West Coast Highway, Suite 103
Newport Beach, CA 92663
http://www.SuccessBeyondYourImagination.com
© Robert Puff & Elizabeth Cappelletti, 2011 – All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced without written permission of the authors.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0528-5
INTRODUCTION
I’m sure we don’t have to tell you that finding the right partner or spouse can be difficult, but what we do need to tell you is that it isn’t impossible. Many times people have bad experiences in relationships and often feel they want to throw in the towel or think that significant monogamous, healthy relationships only exist in fairy tales. We hope that this book can give you a glimmer of hope because the very thing you’re looking for is possible-- but it takes work! This is the part that most people forget and a large part of the reason why so many relationships go south after the so called “honeymoon” period ends. Is it that the entire relationship was a facade? Or is it possible that people are conditioned to take things for granted, especially if it’s always there.
A smaller scale example of this can be seen in the process of buying a new car. You probably take great care in making the final decision to buy it, and you might have been imagining yourself driving the car months or even years in advance because you liked it so much. And when you get that car, you are ecstatic. You are always worried about keeping it clean and making sure you park far away from any other cars to ensure it doesn’t get dinged.
Only a rare few maintain this fastidiousness in treating their car with such care. And for those few, their cars maintain their pristine condition. But by now most of you have probably already chuckled at the memory of yourself going out of your way like this for your car because this behavior is now only a distant memory.
The same thing happens for a lot of things in life, even in relationships. And just like the car that is no longer cared for with such love and consideration, the newness of a relationship wears off. If you had maintained the steadfast behavior that you had in the beginning, you would have noticed the little things in the relationship that needed extra care and attention but typically what happens over time is you stop listening and putting in that extra energy, care and love.
The purpose of this book is to teach you how to find a healthy partner, how to be the same in return, and how to keep that relationship alive and in existence.
HOW TO BE A HEALTHY PARTNER
First we’ll start with you. Have you, ever heard the saying “Two half people don’t make a whole relationship”? The premise of this statement is that two unhealthy individuals (those with a lot of old emotional baggage that hasn’t been worked through), will never have a happy, healthy and whole relationship--that is, unless they get help and work on themselves. If you have emotional hang-ups that affect your own life, how do you think they will impact your closest relationship? Sometimes people end up with a codependent person who is struggling with his or her own need to care for others. Or perhaps you are the codependent who is more concerned about the needs of others than yourself. If you are the co-dependent, stop and ask yourself, are you truly happy? What is it that compels you to care for everyone else except for yourself? The truth is you need to love yourself before you can truly love and care for anyone else, and this message applies to both types of people just mentioned. People who are constantly hurting others or constantly hurting themselves, be it by direct action or indirectly by placing everyone else’s needs first--really don’t love themselves, at least not as much as is necessary.
Unfortunately most of what compels us to behave in these ways stems from our conditioning. We have spoken about conditioning at great length in a few of our previous books, and we will discuss it again here because we cannot stress enough how much it impacts our thoughts, ideas and behaviors. Conditioning is what happens when people are exposed to certain things, and then in turn they act or feel a certain way because of what they were repeatedly exposed to. In short, all those things you were exposed to as a child influence you even today: your parents’ behavior towards you as well as towards each other, previous relationships, things and people you spent time with--the life time of experiences that you have had, and all the things you’ve heard as well.
Your childhood experiences have a lot to do with who you choose as a partner as well as how you interact with and treat him or her. Without any form of reconditioning, be it through therapy, self-help and exploration, or any other form of inter and intra personal growth, you will most likely take on some of the traits of one of your parents and be attracted to some of the traits of your other parent. This phenomena is not gender specific in that a woman may end up with personality traits similar to her father (i.e. domineering and controlling) and be attracted to people with personality traits like her mother (i.e. passive), or vice versa. How you were treated and what you observed between your parents or caregivers growing up has a direct influence on your behavior towards your partner as well as what attracts you to your partner .
If you were taught that girls are “pretty and feminine” and boys are “tough,” then this is ultimately what you will believe is true. So if you see someone who goes against what your upbringing was, you typically won’t be attracted to him or her. We are conditioned to be attracted to certain individuals. There are millions of people in this world with different physical characteristics and personalities. Why is it that we find ourselves attracted to a certain “type” when that “type” may be totally unattractive to someone else? Without any changes in your conditioning or interpersonal growth, the answer is probably because that person is similar to one of your parents in one way or another.
If your parents had a great relationship and both of them were emotionally healthy, then you will most likely move in that direction as well, towards a healthy relationship with a healthy partner. But if you are like most people whose parents didn’t have a great relationship, then you may need to make changes to be a good partner or spouse. If you are a man and take after your father who wasn’t very romantic, and who often hurt your mother’s feelings because he forgot birthdays and anniversaries, then you may be like him in this way. In order to make changes toward becoming a healthier partner, you need to become aware and take steps to avoid making the same mistakes, such as using a calendar to write down the dates as a reminder to yourself. These changes are not impossible, but you do need to be aware of the behaviors before change becomes a possibility.
How did your parents’ relationship fare as they grew older? Did they get divorced? Are they happily remarried? Were they unhappily married? Even after they die, our parents affect our views of marriage. If they stuck it out until the children were grown, but they were miserable, you might say, “I’m not going to do that.” If they got divorced, you might think, “I’m never going to get married” or “I can get married and divorced.”. What happened to you, and what did your parents do? You need to be aware of the path your parents’ relationship took. How you were treated, what you witnessed growing up, and even what your parents are doing today affects you. If they are elderly and are happy and love life, or if they are bitter and angry and hate the opposite sex, there is a potential that this could rise inside of you. If you