TWO MEN IN A CAR
Cover: The author and his chauffeur Paul Carrington toast the readers with 1981 Château Lynch-Bages, near Carpentras, Provence, 12 August 2007.
By the author
for LPS publishing:
The Glass Ceiling Delusion
David and Goliatha
The Joy of Self-Publishing
Buchanan’s Dictionary of Quotations for Right-Minded People
Buchanan’s Dictionary of Quotations for Right-Minded Americans
The Fraud of the Rings
The Marriage Delusion: the fraud of the rings?
Two Men in a Car
(a businessman, a chauffeur, and their holidays in France)
Guitar Gods in Beds.
(Bedfordshire: a heavenly county)
for Kogan Page:
Profitable Buying Strategies
(how to cut procurement costs and buy your way to higher profits)
TWO MEN IN A CAR
A businessman, a chauffeur,
and their holidays in France
Mike Buchanan
LPS publishing
Publisher’s note
Every possible effort has been made to ensure that the information contained in this book is accurate, and the publisher and author cannot accept responsibility for any errors or omissions, however caused. No responsibility for loss or damage occasioned to any person acting, or refraining from action, as a result of the material in this publication, can be accepted by the publisher or the author.
First published in Great Britain in 2008 by LPS publishing, this ebook edition published August 2011 by eBookIt.com.
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Copyright © Mike Buchanan, 2008
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ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0469-1
This ebook was formatted and distributed by the clever chaps (and Melissa) at eBookIt.com.
To France and the French.
A great country, and a great people.
No, really.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
My first thanks must go to Paul Carrington for his patience in accompanying a ‘ten percenter’ around France for two months. A ‘ten percenter’ is Paul’s disparaging term for members of the elite which he believes to be responsible for everything wrong about modern-day Britain. In a curious way he’s right about the elite, but I’ve never been a member. As all right-thinking people know, the elite has consisted of readers of The Guardian since the 1997 general election.
My thanks to the lovely ladies of France, especially those working in bars and restaurants. They bring such joy into the lives of men such as myself. My thanks to the wonderful restauranteurs, chefs, cheesemakers and winemakers of France. I thank the French in general for their determination to retain their cultural identity, except when it leads to quotas for state-financed French music on their radio channels.
Thanks to my good friend Andy Heslop for his constant encouragement about this book. Thanks to Stan Hurr for the front cover concept and execution, and to the clever chaps (and Melissa) at eBookIt.com for formatting this ebook edition.
My final thanks to you, dear reader, for buying this book. I hope it meets your expectations, whatever they might be.
INTRODUCTION
‘What we need is rest’, said Harris.
‘Rest and a complete change’, said George. ‘The overstrain upon our brains has produced a general depression throughout the system. Change of scene, and absence of the necessity for thought, will restore the mental equilibrium.’
Jerome K Jerome Three Men in a Boat (1889)
I was reading the Victorian classic Three Men in a Boat in July 2007, when the above passage leapt from the page. My second wife and I had separated two weeks earlier and my spirits were very low. ‘Rest and a complete change’ were exactly what I needed, I realised. And why not go the whole hog, and adopt the continental habit of holidaying for the month of August?
The destination country was never in doubt. I’d holidayed many times in France over the years, and always had a wonderful time. I spoke the language moderately well and had rarely found the French to be anything other than helpful and polite. Maybe the two matters were related.
Should I go alone, or with company? My friends were already committed to their own summer holidays. And then Paul Carrington happened to drop by for a cup of tea. Strong English breakfast tea, obviously, as was his custom. Paul was – and is – a self-employed chauffeur, and I had used his services on a number of occasions. He’s a loud cheerful optimistic character, with firm opinions on every subject under the sun. He always reminds me of the stand-up comedian Al Murray’s creation, ‘The Pub Landlord’.
It suddenly occurred to me that a holiday with Paul might ‘restore the mental equilibrium’. I put a proposal to him, and in a matter of moments he’d agreed to accompany me on the holiday, and to help with a number of the chores. So I’d have a month’s holiday in France with an amiable companion, and less of the drudgery that comes with self-catering and driving around such a large country.
Now Paul and I couldn’t be more different, and I wasn’t altogether sure we’d get on well for as long as a month. Nor was he, I imagine. The extent of our differences, once we’d worked them out – Table 0.1 – surprised us both. But we are alike with respect to our firm optimism about the future, regardless of past experiences. This might help explain our combined total of five ex-wives.
Doubtless some people will consider me sexist for celebrating attractive women in this book, but I really couldn’t care less. If a beautiful woman, French or otherwise, smiles and thereby makes the world a slightly happier place for me – an overweight myopic diabetic 50-year-old single man with high blood pressure – she deserves to be mentioned in my book. And if she’s a waitress, to be given a decent tip.
I’ve long enjoyed the finer things in life, especially fine food and wine. In the past two or three years I’ve enjoyed sublime meals at two of the best restaurants in England. Raymond Blanc’s Le Manoir aux Quat’ Saisons (to celebrate my mother’s 80th birthday), and Heston Blumenthal’s The Fat Duck (a generous 48th birthday present from my second wife). Paul chauffeured on both occasions, so I was free to drink more than my customary single small glass of wine. I’ve kept the menus from both meals, and they’re reproduced in the appendices. Both restaurants are expensive – of course – but terrific value for money. Go if you can. You really do only live