Anger Work
How To Express Your Anger
And Still Be Kind
Dr. Robert E. Puff, Ph.D.
Well-Spring Press
SECOND EDITION
All rights reserved, including the right of
Reproduction in whole or in part in any form.
Copyright @ 1999 by Dr. Robert E. Puff, Jr., M.Div, Ph.D.
Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com
ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0327-4
What is Anger Work:
Anger work is a psychological tool which is used to heal from past and present emotional pains. The basic premise of Anger Work is to let go of emotionally painful events by focusing on them and expressing anger about the pain. By focusing on the trauma over and over, the pain will gradually go away, never to affect you again.
A comparison can be made between our physical health and our emotional health. When the body experiences a severe laceration or other injury, if the wound is left unattended it will get infected. Eventually, it will fester and may even turn into gangrene, a life threatening condition. If, however, the wound is cleansed thoroughly and allowed to heal completely, all that is left is a scar to remind the victim of the event.
Likewise, when an emotional wound is sustained by the psyche, if it is not addressed, and feelings are repressed, it will fester as surely as any physical wound. As a result it will start to affect other areas of the person’s life, just as infection spreads to other parts of the body. Since abusive people and emotional pain are part of everyday life, the person who does not learn to deal appropriately with them will start to experience a cumulative negative effect. Eventually the individual’s overall emotional and psychological health will be at risk.
If, however, the emotional wound is cleansed well, and allowed to heal completely, all that is left is a memory. This memory, like an old scar, does not hurt. It becomes no more than a record of your personal history, an experience which you have learned from. Anger Work is the cleansing process that can bring this healing about.
Who Needs Anger Work?
There are three categories of people who can benefit from doing Anger Work. The first category is comprised of people who are already consciously angry and need to find some constructive way of resolving their feelings. The second category consists of those who don’t feel angry, but who struggle with interpersonal or intrapersonal difficulties and have never fully processed the traumatic events which shaped them and set them up for the problems they face today. The third category includes those individuals who have successfully dealt with all the issues from their past, but are interested in healthy ways of handling aggravating situations that come up in their current, daily lives.
Those Who Know They’re Angry
First let me address those of you who know you’re angry. You have been mistreated or abused and you’ve had enough of that. You may be in touch with the feelings of your anger, but have not yet started expressing them, or you may be a seasoned veteran at “giving people a piece of your mind.” You may even have a “temper problem” and experience episodes in which your anger seems to have control of you, rather than you being in control of your anger.
People have been getting angry since the beginning of time: that is nothing new. You may be thinking I don’t need a book to tell me to get mad when somebody does something that ticks me off! But Anger Work is not simply “getting mad” at someone, nor does it deal exclusively with the present.
People who describe themselves as having a “temper problem” are generally people who have had some very negative experiences in the past. Because they have not yet successfully worked through all their feelings about these events, they walk around with “leftovers”. That is, leftover anger from situations that happened a long time ago.
They bring these “leftovers” with them into every new situation. The result is that they are already somewhat angry before anything happens. So when someone does something that might normally be a minor source of irritation, the person with “leftovers” finds him or herself inordinately angry. They feel the anger of the current situation plus the “leftovers” they had in store. In situations that would normally make them feel genuinely angry, and for good reason, they go beyond that and become explosive. Instead of assertively asking someone to stop the offending behavior, they may haul off and slug the person or berate them verbally.
You may be experiencing problems because of angry outbursts you have had, and now you are dealing with the consequences of your expression. Or maybe you haven’t done anything regrettable yet, but you feel like a volcano about to explode and burn everything in your path. If either of these descriptions fits you, you will find the section on No Acting Out Anger At Others particularly helpful. You can learn how to channel your anger and aggressive feelings in positive ways. Over time you will work out all your residual feelings of anger so that you have no “leftovers”. You will break out of the negative cycle of anger > outburst > guilt > regret > shame > anger (without becoming a doormat).
People Who Don’t Feel Angry (but have issues from the past)
Some people don’t feel angry because they can’t think of anything to feel angry about. Others refrain from feelings of anger because they think anger is bad, or because it frightens them. They may know they have plenty to feel angry about, but cannot get in touch with their angry feelings for some reason.
First let me address those of you who can’t think of anything to feel angry about. You may have had some sad, painful or frightening experiences in the past that still bother you. You may know that you’re not finished healing from them, and even see that they still impact your behavior and the choices that you make today. However, when you consider those experiences, anger does not seem like the appropriate response to you. So instead, you try not to let it bother you, and if possible, to learn from the experience. But mostly, you try to move on.
In the following section “Things People Do Instead of Feeling Angry” I’ve listed a number of coping mechanisms people use when they have issues that they don’t know how to resolve. If you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself, or if you struggle with low self-esteem, then you are suffering needlessly. Anger Work can empower you to work through your issues and take control of your life. The very fact that you are struggling in the way that you are is reason enough to get mad.
You don’t even have to be mad at anyone in particular; you can simply be mad about the situation. If you don’t yet know how your problem got started you can do Anger Work focused on obliterating your depression or addiction and rising above it. If you have a hard time getting in touch with your anger, you may want to start exercising. This often helps to bring the anger to the surface as you begin to feel more empowered. In the meantime, you will have the side benefit of getting physically fit . I assure you that you will find plenty of fodder for your Anger Work as you trace your problem to it’s original source.
Now for those of you who don’t get angry because you feel guilty when you get mad. Perhaps you have been taught by your family, teachers, or religious community that it is wrong to get angry, or that it should be a brief phase passed through as quickly as possible on your way to forgiveness. Well, I say that anger is a normal, human emotion. And when managed correctly, it plays an important role in the maintenance of a healthy psyche, body, and spirit.
I agree that forgiveness is an important part of the journey to emotional and spiritual wholeness. However, quick forgiveness is often false forgiveness, and false forgiveness can be detrimental to the health (both mental and physical)