The Moaning of Life. Karl Pilkington. Читать онлайн. Newlib. NEWLIB.NET

Автор: Karl Pilkington
Издательство: Ingram
Серия:
Жанр произведения: Юмористические стихи
Год издания: 0
isbn: 9781782111535
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      ALSO BY KARL PILKINGTON

      THE WORLD OF KARL PILKINGTON

      HAPPYSLAPPED BY A JELLYFISH

      KARLOLOGY

      AN IDIOT ABROAD

      THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF AN IDIOT ABROAD

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      FIRST PUBLISHED IN GREAT BRITAIN IN 2013

      BY CANONGATE BOOKS LTD, 14 HIGH STREET, EDINBURGH EH1 1TE

       WWW.CANONGATE.TV

      This digital edition first published in 2013 by Canongate Books

      COPYRIGHT KARL PILKINGTON, 2013

      THE MORAL RIGHT OF THE AUTHOR HAS BEEN ASSERTED

      PHOTOGRAPHY COPYRIGHT FREDDIE CLAIRE, 2013

      ILLUSTRATIONS COPYRIGHT ANDY SMITH

      ADDITIONAL PHOTOGRAPHY ON P. VI RICH HARDCASTLE

      BRITISH LIBRARY CATALOGUING-IN DATA

      A CATALOGUE RECORD FOR THIS BOOK IS AVAILABLE

      ON REQUEST FROM THE BRITISH LIBRARY

      ISBN: 978 1 78211 151 1

      eISBN: 978 1 78211 182 5

      EXPORT ISBN: 978 1 78211 152 8

      Contents

       The Wedding Capital of the World

       The Art of Picking Up Women

       The Science of Attraction

       Arranged Marriages

       The Big Day

       Getting Married the Pilkington Way

       Life Without Kids

       The Miracle of Birth

       Raising Kids a Different Way

       Recreating the Experience

       Living with the Super Rich

       The Hustler’s Life

       Helping Others

       Living to Work

       A Handyman’s Life

       Finding a Vocation

       Happiness through Exercise

       Happiness from Pain

       Making Other People Happy

       Changing the Way You Look to Make You Happy

       Anger Therapy

       Living the Simple Life

       Choosing Your Own Coffin

       A Different Kind of Funeral

       Learning How to Mourn

       Confronting Death

       Living with the Dead

       Finding a Resting Place

       Remembering the Dead

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      I DIDN’T WANT to celebrate my fortieth birthday. Not because I wasn’t happy about being forty; I don’t mind getting older. I’ve always been older than my years anyway. My mam said I even acted old and grumpy when I was a baby. Apparently I learnt to frown before I could walk and didn’t like having a dummy, as it got in the way of me tutting. I suppose losing my hair made me feel older too. I had a head like a wind-beaten dandelion by the time I had reached twenty-two. I don’t think stress was to blame for the baldness; it was the extra-strong ‘power shower’ my dad had bought off a mate and installed himself. It was way too powerful. Taking a shower was like doing a task in an episode of Total Wipeout. But being bald didn’t bother me, as my hair wasn’t that good anyway. Fine, flimsy stuff it was, that my barber described as the ‘hair of a Chinaman’, so I could never have had a trendy style. Wet-look hair gel was all the rage in England in the early 80s, after Michael Jackson made it popular. It was to help mould your hair, whilst making it look like you’d just stepped out of the shower. But it was never a big seller in Manchester as everybody had the wet look anyway due to the continuous, pissing-down rain.

      ‘I just want to stay in and have a chilli con carne,’ I told Suzanne.

      ‘But it’s your fortieth birthday. A few people have asked what we’re doing!’

      ‘Well, tell them I’m staying in, having chilli con carne. They can celebrate my birthday without me if they want.’

      ‘That’s just stupid,’ she said.

      ‘No, it’s not. People do it every year with Jesus’s birthday.’

      The good thing with her asking meant that at least there wasn’t going to be a surprise party for me. If there is one thing that I don’t like it’s a surprise, and she knows it. If you want to know another thing I don’t like, it’s fuss. I can’t be doing with people making a fuss of me. The first time it happened was when I started work. I was on a training scheme at a printing company and the boss bought a cake and called me to the kitchen. As I opened the door, they all sang ‘Happy Birthday’, which must be one of the most boring songs ever written. It follows you right through your life.