Faithful Sexuality
Human Stories about Holy Sexuality as the Beloved People of God
By Gary L. Grafwallner
Faithful Sexuality
Human Stories about Holy Sexuality as the Beloved People of God
Copyright © 2019 Gary L. Grafwallner. All rights reserved. Except for brief quotations in critical publications or reviews, no part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher. Write: Permissions, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 199 W. 8th Ave., Suite 3, Eugene, OR 97401.
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paperback isbn: 978-1-5326-9782-1
hardcover isbn: 978-1-5326-9783-8
ebook isbn: 978-1-5326-9784-5
Manufactured in the U.S.A. 12/10/19
Dedicated with my heartfelt gratitude to Gail L. Grafwallner, wife, companion, best friend
“I ask you my sisters and brothers to give God your bodies, as an act of intelligent worship do not be conformed to the world but transformed by the renewal of your minds that you may prove in practice the will of God is good and acceptable and perfect.”
—Romans 12:1–2
“Do you love me more than these?” “You know . . . I love you.” “Do you love me?” “Certainly you know everything. You know I love you.” “Do you love me? . . .”
—John 21:15–17
Introduction
When I told a friend and colleague I was writing on sexuality and the Christian faith he said, “Gary, I think the church should have a moratorium on all speaking and writing about sex for at least one hundred years given all the damage it’s done. Furthermore, the world probably is not interested.” That was a sobering rejoinder to what follows. He’s right, “the world” probably isn’t interested. John the Evangelist defines “the world” as all those individuals, groups, systems, that are against “the God who became a human being and lived among us.”
On my long Ignatian retreat, one of the presenters said, “The kingdom or queendom or reign of God is about right relationships with God, others, and ourselves.” I am writing from the perspective of my own life and faith as a Christian man, husband, father, grandfather, pastor, priest, and theologian. This book also reflects my own journey of learning, coping, and understanding as a married person.
I have seen the sexual revolution, the advent of the pill, and the Implant RU234. Some Christian youth in the parishes I served are sexually active in high school, but the vast majority are sexually active in college. A friend just told me at a media conference he attended, 90 percent of the actors in relationships in sitcoms and movies go to bed on the first or second date. Abortion has become a means of birth control for thousands in the state of Oregon. More and more couples who come for premarital counseling are living together. They’re not only in their twenties but in their seventies, trying to avoid tax penalties from bad laws. Fifty-one percent of all the marriages in Oregon will end in divorce. Sperm banks, surrogate partner/parents, and in-vitro fertilization are becoming more accepted means of becoming a parent. Domestic partners want their relationships blessed. Unsafe sex feeds the spread of various STDs and HIV. Sex continues to sell music, cars, clothes, food, cologne, sports, liquor, travel—you name it. Transgender people are also more public about their changes.
Except for the Christian right and fundamentalists, the church has for the most part been silent during the revolution. Rules and guilt no longer seem to control parishioners’ behavior. In society, people seem to choose their own course. My sense is that there is more public variety manifest around sexual behavior. The Episcopalians, Lutherans, Methodists, Presbyterians and Baptists have taken heat for their churches’ social statements on sexuality. They’re too liberal for some and too traditional for others. I wonder if as people of faith we simply endorse the world’s agenda.
I have listened to singles, marrieds, gays, lesbians, teens, senior citizens, and parents who were people of faith but who struggled with their feelings, relationships, and their behavior around sexual matters. What is acceptable to Jesus? What honors or pleases God? So I decided to share the stories, experiences, and wisdom of hundreds of people who have taught me. This is not a pious dogmatic treatise, but my own pastoral reflections on the implications of God’s call in matters of faith and sex. It’s a chance to think out loud with you and I hope, in the process, provide a catalyst for conversation and some teaching on what it means to live in God’s light and reflect God’s love in a holy and hopeful community.
Everything that follows is true, although details have been changed to preserve confidentiality. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in these pages, thank you for sharing your struggles and wisdom with me. I am forever grateful that God made us sexual beings and that we are each unique, awesome, and good.
GLG
Just How Sexual Are You?
I remember being at a four-day workshop on money sponsored by a local Presbyterian congregation. My small group included Mary, a therapist and wife of a timber industry magnate. She was a vivacious but unpretentious woman in her early sixties who was beautiful both inside and out. She said, “One morning as I showered, I stood next to my husband who was in his seventies. He was tall, lean, and well-muscled. He swam, played tennis, and was an avid walker. I was struck by the beauty of his body given his years. Later at breakfast we were sitting together and I said, ‘David you are quite sexy.’” I thought to myself, “He is, but so are you.”
How comfortable are you with your body? I’ve noticed that people who are overweight often wear their shirts out. They prefer large sweaters or loose-fitting clothes. People who are extremely thin may wear tights or layered clothing, turtleneck shirts, and long-sleeve sweaters with jeans. Those who are growing bald may comb their hair forward or purchase a hairpiece or get a hair transplant. People who can afford it may get plastic surgery for a facelift, a tummy tuck, to have their wrinkles removed, or to their change breast size.
Someone suggested to me that a helpful exercise is to spend fifteen minutes in front of the mirror periodically looking at your body front view, side view, and back profile. Ask yourself, which parts do you like? Why? Which parts do you dislike? I remember an elderly Hispanic woman who looked at the stretch marks on her legs and great belly. She said, “I’ve earned every one of these bearing nine children.” Her comment gave me a lot to think about. Are you able to give thanks for your body?
I spent a four-day weekend for continuing education at the Vancouver School of Theology with Walter Wink and June Kerner Wink. He is a New Testament theologian and teacher of Koine Greek. She teaches movement. Before we would do Scripture study with Walter, June would open us up to the Word by getting us in touch with our bodies so we would come to Scripture study using both hemispheres of our brains.
June told us how she felt terrible about her body as a teenager. She said, “I had a big nose, a flat chest, wide hips, and feet like shovels. I was taller than any of the boys in my grade.” Her sister’s teasing did not help, and she hated her body for years. After going through a painful divorce, she married Walter, who taught at Union Seminary in New York. Being raised a Methodist preacher’s daughter, she had “gone forth to the altar, confessed her sins, professed her faith,” but she said, “I never felt God’s grace.” She was spiritually drying up in this academic community that was “all head, little heart, and no spirit” when she signed up for a class on movement at a local community college. This was not a dance class but one where you freely interpreted the music you heard. She said, “It was the first time I experienced grace. I bent, moved, stretched, twirled, sank, and arose. I felt free and