Praise for Daphne Rose Kingma
“Daphne Rose Kingma writes with such elegance that she could turn ‘self-help’ into a literary genre.”
—L.A. Weekly
“Thought-provoking perspectives on relationships.”
—News Tribune
Praise for The Ten Things to Do When Your Life Falls Apart
“Anyone going through a dark night of the soul needs to have this book. It will be your closest companion and your most tender angel. Daphne Rose Kingma more than speaks to your soul; she knows how to heal it.”
—Marianne Williamson, author of A Return to Love
Praise for The Future of Love
“In this innovative book, Daphne Rose Kingma breaks down the popular myth of how love is ‘supposed’ to be by introducing us to a broad spectrum of intimate connections. She reveals how to work through the various confrontations that every relationship encounters and reach deeper levels of love and intimacy.”
—John Gray, author of Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus
“Deeply insightful and daringly fresh, this book takes a breath-taking step away from tradition and into the possibility of saying yes to the true and grandest desire of our being: to love fully.”
—Neale Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God
Praise for 101 Ways to Have True Love in Your Life
“Daphne Rose Kingma was my first teacher of the heart. With tender care, she taught me how to love myself and others. I can never express how grateful I am for all her wise advice about the profound practice of relationship.”
—MJ Ryan, author of Attitudes of Gratitude
This edition first published in 2012 by Conari Press, an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC
With offices at:
665 Third Street, Suite 400
San Francisco, CA 94107
Copyright © 2004, 2012 by Daphne Rose Kingma.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages. Originally published in 2004 as Loving Yourself by Conari Press, ISBN: 1-57324-924-6.
ISBN: 978-1-57324-534-0
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data available upon request
Cover design by www.levanfisherdesign.com/BarbaraFisher
Printed in United States of America
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For you, because you've finally decided to love yourself and because your soul knows you deserve no less
And in memory of my parents, Jan Willem and Gezina Stuart Kingma, who from so little gave so much
Contents
Part One Moving Forward, Looking Back
ONE: Why You Need and Deserve Your Own Love
TWO: How Don't I Love Me? Let Me Count the Ways
THREE: How Did It Get to Be This Way?
FOUR: Learning to Love Yourself
Part Two The Path to Self-Love
NINE: Living with Self-Compassion
Acknowledgments
Loving thanks and appreciation to Jan Johnson of Conari Press, who gave energy and inspiration to my vision for this book. Gratitude and heartfelt thanks to Mary Jane Ryan, for once again sharing her editorial gifts so generously with me. Thanks also to Don and Ana Li, who always welcome me home with open hearts and open arms. Much love and thanks to Molly, who moved our old oak dining room table into her new red dining room, so I could sit there and write with the Jack-dog at my feet. I.L.Y. Sweet love and thanks to Moe Bruce, Maureen McCarthy, and Zelle Nelson for sanctuary, love, and fun— and yes, for all those questions. Deep thanks and love to Rebecca Witjas for going to Bhutan with me, and also to Karma Gayley for the beauty of our trek. Special thanks to B.J. Hambleton for precious friendship, love, and sweet encouragement along the way; and a mystical rose bouquet of gratitude to Diane Dickerson. Your generosity in offering the sunlight of your soul and of your rooms allowed this book to be born in joy. If we could all love ourselves in the pure and gentle way you love all those who cross your path, Diane, this would be a world of exquisite sweetness. Thank you for your soul-deep hospitality.
Introduction
Unfortunately, in the years since I first offered this book, the issue of self-love has not become irrelevant. That's sad, of course, but in another way weirdly encouraging: the difficult feelings we all have from time to time about not being enough are, in fact, an invitation to each of us to develop a higher quality of self-regard.
Loving yourself is not an incidental undertaking. It's the most important job that each of us has come here to do. It's the one thing we really need to accomplish on behalf of the one and only person for whom we're totally responsible. It's also the key to opening the door to greater love, warmth, and intimacy in all our other relationships. Indeed, it's only when you reside in the nourishing feeling of loving yourself that you have a clear sense of what you seek in your relationships