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Fierce Joy: Choosing Brave over Perfect to Find My True Voice
Library of Congress Cataloging
ISBN: (print) 978-1-63353-988-4 (ebook) 978-1-63353-989-1
Library of Congress Control Number: 2019935680
BISAC category code: SEL021000 SELF-HELP / Motivational & Inspirational
Printed in the United States of America
Praise for Fierce Joy
“Breathtaking. Raw. Real. This memoir is about what it means to have a voice. When Susie loses her ability to speak, she learns to listen to herself. Honest and poignant, this book also had me laughing out loud.”
—Jen Pastiloff, author of On Being Human and founder of The Manifest-Station
“This stunning memoir wakes us up to the kind of happiness that is possible when we are brave enough to go after it. At the heart of this big, brilliant story is this: You are already enough. This book is wise and revolutionary. It changed my life.”
—Christine Carter, author of Raising Happiness and The Sweet Spot
“Powerful, honest, riveting. What happens when a crisis forces you to give up perfectionism and self-worth through doing? Susie Rinehart’s story of survival is a gift to any woman who longs to free herself of the shackles of ‘not-enough.’ ”
—Rachel Simmons, author of Enough As She Is
“After reading an excerpt from this book, I was immediately gripped. This is a powerful book for anyone who struggles with perfectionism. The author reminds us that leading a courageous life means moving forward…even when you don’t feel ‘perfect’ or ‘completely ready’ yet.”
—Alexandra Franzen, author of You Are Going to Survive and So This Is the End
“This is a powerful story about a woman daring to fight for a life that is big, buoyant, and brilliant. She shows us that we can live lightly in dark times, if we dare to make space for joy.”
—Becca Anderson, author of The Book of Awesome Women and Prayers for Hard Times
“A fundamental shift in the spiritual journey occurs when we realize the inherent gift that lies in speaking from the heart. In Fierce Joy: Choosing Brave over Perfect to Find My True Voice, Susie Caldwell Rinehart beautifully captures the spiritual freedom in coming to know what she once viewed as vulnerable is actually the most powerful: when we speak from the heart, we are rooted in truth—our own truth—when what we say, what we do and what we believe are in complete harmony. Susie’s story shows us how to transform pain into heart-centered instructions for living our best life.”
—Bridgitte Jackson-Buckley, author of The Gift of Crisis
“Extraordinary memoir full of hard-won wisdom. This book is about what it means to be human, and what lies beneath our fears if we dare to look.”
—Brad Wetzler, former editor, Outside magazine
“Uplifting and loaded with practical wisdom on how to come out of a crisis with more, not less.”
—Suleika Jaouad, New York Times “Life, Interrupted” columnist
This book is dedicated to my parents,
C. Douglas Caldwell & Marilyn French Caldwell
for love, and for encouraging me to put safety third.
Table of Contents
Part III | The Fastest Way to a Strong Voice
Questions for Discussion and Reflection
Prelude
August 18, 2016
I lie here after thirty-six hours of brain surgery wondering, Who am I? I am not a wife, not a mother, not a leader, not an athlete. I am a lump in a bed. I can’t even help my daughter make breakfast.
I have always identified with the hero role. When I go to the movies, I don’t just watch Indiana Jones, I am Indiana Jones. I am Jason Bourne. I am Katniss Everdeen. I am never the one standing by, wringing her hands, waiting for the hero to come. I am out there, in the adventure, making things happen. I have plenty of courage. I get shit done. I start companies and lead schools. I win races. I can push through anything. I am not even sure I am alive unless I am striving to make something happen. But there are consequences to pushing, striving, fixing, saving everything and everyone. Right now, my health is at risk. If I don’t find a different way, I’ll die.
Before now, I never thought I was a perfectionist. My house is too messy. Perfectionists don’t go to the grocery store without makeup, in their giraffe pajamas. But when it comes to the stuff that matters— relationships and work—I see now that I am a perfectionist. I never believe I am good enough. I judge myself and I judge others. I get stuck looking for the single, right way beyond criticism to success, before even beginning. I loop around the same questions: Am I in the right job? Do we live in the right place? Are the kids in the right schools? I assume that if I do things “right,” my family will be safe. No one will get hurt. I act as if life is a Sunday crossword puzzle and I have the only pencil. I put so much pressure on myself that I get sick.
This time, my health isn’t just telling me to slow down. It’s telling me to transform completely.
The trick is my journey feels like the opposite of a hero’s journey. While the classic hero is called to adventure, I am called to lie down and let go. But like the hero, I resist. Lying down doesn’t