Copyright © 2019 by Lorimer Shenher
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All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written consent of the publisher or a license from The Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency (Access Copyright). For a copyright license, visit accesscopyright.ca or call toll free to 1-800-893-5777.
Greystone Books Ltd.
Cataloguing data available from Library and Archives Canada
ISBN 978-1-77164-448-8 (cloth)
ISBN 978-1-77164-449-5 (epub)
Editing by Jennifer Croll
Copyediting by Alex Kapitan
Proofreading by Stefania Alexandru
Jacket design by Will Brown
Text design by Nayeli Jimenez
Cover photograph courtesy of Lorimer Shenher
Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.
Greystone Books gratefully acknowledges the Musqueam, Squamish, and Tsleil-Waututh peoples on whose land our office is located.
Greystone Books thanks the Canada Council for the Arts, the British Columbia Arts Council, the Province of British Columbia through the Book Publishing Tax Credit, and the Government of Canada for supporting our publishing activities.
For Dad.
CONTENTS
2 This One Looks like a Boy (1969–1974)
6 Getting a Flat (1982–1983)
7 Uneven (1984–1987)
8 A Guy Can Dream (1988–1989)
9 Cowboy Poetry (1989–1990)
10 The Trinity of Misunderstanding (1990–1991)
11 Fish Stories (1991–1997)
12 Woman Trouble (1997–2001)
13 Sitting on a Pin (2001–2003)
14 Expecting (2002–2007)
15 The Change (2008–2014)
16 Lorimer (2014–2015)
17 Child’s Pose (2015)
18 This Is Who You Are Now (2016)
19 The Father, the Son (May 2016)
20 Life as a Man (2016–2018)
Epilogue
Acknowledgments
“I have chosen to change my appearance, something many people do in many ways. From my perspective, my gender has not changed; I have simply made its message clear.”
JAMISON GREEN, Becoming a Visible Man
INTRODUCTION
THERE IS A line in one of my all-time favorite films, Moonstruck, where Ronny Cammareri (Nicolas Cage) tells Loretta Castorini (Cher), “Come upstairs! I don’t care why you come!” I feel the same way about you, dear reader. I don’t care why you’re here, I’m just very glad that you are holding this book, and I thank you.
I am just one transgender man. I don’t speak for everyone, nor are my experiences more universal than anyone else’s. I can only speak for myself, although I’m sure some stories in this book will resonate for others like me.
Perhaps you’ve picked this up because you read my last book. You might be the parent of a child questioning their gender and you’re looking for guidance. You could be an old fossil like me, wondering if it’s too late in the game to find some happiness. Or you might think this gender transition stuff is just so much garbage, the product of an over-indulgent age.
Welcome, everyone. Sincerely. I mean it. We will never show ourselves if we don’t talk to each other, even in our difference.
And if you’re that kid reading these words underneath the covers with a flashlight, terrified of what you think you might be, this is for you.
There’s hope for you.
Your journey won’t be easy, but you will never know the heights you can reach if you don’t stick around to find out.
I wrote this for you. I was you, once.
No one but you can know your inner world or your sense of self. No one can take that discovery from you. Some may try—out of a misguided notion of love, out of fear for you or themselves, in the name of whatever God they think they know the will of, or in the name of what they like to think is “normal” in this world. Let them try. Give them an honest hearing, but never let them kill your spirit.
Be strong.
If I made it here you can, too. I lived to tell my tale. And so will you.
LORIMER
1
TWO LINEUPS
(1964–1969)
MY EARLIEST MEMORY is of the first day of kindergarten. We were told to get into two lines: one for boys and the other for girls. This was the first time in my young life I’d been presented with such a choice, so I walked to the boys’ line and quietly took my place. Our teacher, Miss Olson, stepped to the front of our two lines