"The radiance of a truly happy bride is so beautifying that even a plain girl is made pretty, and a pretty one, divine." [Page 373.]
ETIQUETTE
IN SOCIETY, IN BUSINESS, IN POLITICS AND AT HOME
BY EMILY POST (MRS. PRICE POST)
Author of "Purple and Fine Linen," "The Title Market," "Woven in the Tapestry," "The Flight of a Moth," "Letters of a Worldly Godmother," etc., etc. Illustrated With Private Photographs And Facsimiles Of Social Forms Funk & Wagnalls Company New York And London 1922 Copyright, 1922, By Funk & Wagnalls Company [Printed in the United States of America] First Edition published in July 1922 Second Edition published in September, 1922 Copyright Under the Articles of the Copyright Convention of the Pan-American Republics and the United States, August 11, 1910. To You My Friends Whose Identity In These Pages Is Veiled In Fictional Disguise 1 It Is But Fitting That I Dedicate This Book. CONTENTS Chapter Page Introduction ix I. What Is Best Society? 1 II. Introductions 4 III. Greetings 18 IV. Salutations Of Courtesy 22 V. On The Street And In Public 28 VI. At Public Gatherings 35 VII. Conversation 48 VIII. Words, Phrases And Pronunciation 58 IX. One's Position In The Community 65 X. Cards And Visits 73 XI. Invitations, Acceptances And Regrets 98 XII. The Well-Appointed House 131 XIII. Teas And Other Afternoon Parties 165 XIV. Formal Dinners 177 XV. Dinner-Giving With Limited Equipment 231 XVI. Luncheons, Breakfasts And Suppers 238 XVII. Balls And Dances 250 XVIII. The Debutante 276 XIX. The Chaperon And Other Conventions 288 XX. Engagements 299 XXI. First Preparations Before A Wedding 312 XXII. The Day Of The Wedding 345 XXIII. Christenings 380 XXIV. Funerals 387 XXV. The Country House And Its Hospitality 410 XXVI. The House Party In Camp 440 XXVII. Notes And Shorter Letters 448 XXVIII. Longer Letters 491 XXIX. The Fundamentals Of Good Behavior 506 XXX. Clubs And Club Etiquette 511 XXXI. Games And Sports 524 XXXII. Etiquette In Business And Politics 530 XXXIII. Dress 540 XXXIV. The Clothes Of A Gentleman 562 XXXV. The Kindergarten Of Etiquette 571 XXXVI. EveryDay Manners At Home 587 XXXVII. Traveling At Home And Abroad 593 XXXVIII. The Growth Of Good Taste In America 617 PHOTOGRAPHIC ILLUSTRATIONS A Bride's Bouquet Frontispiece 2 A Gem Of A House facing page 131 The Personality Of A House facing page 132 Consideration For Servants facing page 157 The Afternoon Tea-Table facing page 171 A Formal Dinner facing page 177 Detail Of Place At A Formal Dinner facing page 179 A Dinner Service Without Silver facing page 228 An Informal Dinner facing page 246 The Most Elaborate Dinner Dance Ever Given In New York facing page 271 A Church Wedding facing page 354 A House Wedding facing page 374 The Ideal Guest Room facing page 414 A Breakfast Tray facing page 426 The Child At Table Between pages 574 and 575 INTRODUCTION MANNERS AND MORALS By Richard Duffy Many who scoff at a book of etiquette would be shocked to hear the least expression of levity touching the Ten Commandments. But the Commandments do not always prevent such virtuous scoffers from dealings with their neighbor of which no gentleman could be capable and retain his claim to the title. Though it may require ingenuity to reconcile their actions with the Decalogue--the ingenuity is always forthcoming. There is no intention in this remark to intimate that there is any higher rule of life than the Ten Commandments; only it is illuminating as showing the relationship between manners and morals, which is too often overlooked. The polished gentleman of sentimental fiction has so long served as the type of smooth and conscienceless depravity that urbanity of demeanor inspires distrust in ruder minds. On the other hand, the blunt, unpolished hero of melodrama and romantic fiction has lifted brusqueness and pushfulness to a pedestal not wholly merited. Consequently, the kinship between conduct that keeps us within the law and conduct that makes civilized life worthy to be called such, deserves to be noted with emphasis. The Chinese sage, Confu-cius, could not tolerate the suggestion that virtue is in itself enough without politeness, for he viewed them as inseparable and "saw courtesies as coming from the heart," maintaining that "when they are practised with all the heart, a moral elevation ensues." People who ridicule etiquette as a mass of trivial and arbitrary conventions, "extremely troublesome to those who practise them and insupportable to everybody else," seem to forget the long, slow progress of social intercourse in the upward climb of man from the primeval state. Conventions were established from the first to regulate the rights of the individual and the tribe. They were and are the rules of the game of life and must be followed if we would "play the game." Ages before man felt the need of indigestion rem- edies, he ate his food solitary and furtive in some corner, hoping he would not be espied by any stronger and hungrier fellow. It was a long, long time before the habit of eating in common was acquired; and it is obvious that the practise could not have been taken up with safety until the individuals of the race knew enough about one another and about the food resources to be sure that there was food sufficient for all. When eating in common became the vogue, table manners made their appearance and they have been waging an uphill struggle ever since. The custom of raising the hat when meeting an acquaintance derives from the old rule that friendly knights in accosting each other should raise the visor for mutual recognition in amity. In the knightly years, it must be remembered, it was important to know whether one was meeting friend or foe. Meeting a foe meant fighting on the spot. Thus, it is evident that the conventions of courtesy not only tend to make the wheels of life run more smoothly, but also act as safeguards in human relationship. Imagine the Paris Peace Conference, or any of the later conferences in Europe, without the protective armor of diplomatic etiquette! Nevertheless, to some the very word etiquette is an irritant. It implies a great pother about trifles, these conscientious objectors assure us, and trifles are unimportant. Trifles are unimportant, it is true, but then life is made up of trifles. To those who dislike the word, it suggests all that is finical and superfluous. It means a garish embroidery on the big scheme of life; a clog on the forward march of a strong and courageous nation. To such as these, the words etiquette and politeness connote weakness and timidity. Their 3 notion of a really polite man is a dancing master or a man milliner. They were always willing to admit that the French were the polit-est nation in Europe and equally ready to assert that the French were the weakest and least valorous, until the war opened their eyes in amazement. Yet, that manners and fighting can go hand in hand appears in the following anecdote: In the midst of the war, some French soldiers and some non-French of the Allied forces were receiving their rations in a village back of the lines. The non-French fighters belonged to an Army that supplied rations plentifully. They grabbed their allotments and stood about while hastily eating, uninterrupted by conversation or other concern. The French soldiers took their very meager portions of food, improvised a kind of table on the top of a flat rock, and having laid out the rations, including the small quantity of wine that formed part of the repast, sat down in comfort and began their meal amid a chatter of talk. One of the non-French soldiers, all of whom had finished their large supply of food before the French had begun eating, asked sardonically: "Why do you fellows make such a lot of fuss over the little bit of grub they give you to eat?" The Frenchman replied: "Well, we are making war for civilization, are we not? Very well, we are. Therefore, we eat in a civilized way." To the French we owe the word etiquette, and it is amusing to discover its origin in the commonplace familiar warning--"Keep off the grass." It happened in the reign of Louis XIV, when the gardens of Versailles were being laid out, that the master gardener, an old Scotsman, was sorely tried because his newly seeded lawns were being continually trampled upon. To keep trespassers off, he put up warning signs or tickets--etiquettes--on which was indicated the path along which to pass. But the courtiers paid no attention to these directions and so the determined Scot complained to the King in such convincing manner that His Majesty issued an edict commanding everyone at Court to "keep within the etiquettes." Gradually the term came to cover all the rules for correct demeanor and deportment in court circles; and thus through the centuries it has grown into use to describe the conventions sanctioned for the purpose of smoothing personal contacts and developing tact and good manners in social intercourse. With the decline of feudal courts and the rise of empires of industry, much of the ceremony of life was discarded for plain and less formal dealing. Trousers and coats supplanted doublets and hose, and the change in costume was not more extreme than the change in social ideas. The court ceased to be the arbiter of manners, though the aristocracy of the land remained the high exemplar of good breeding. Yet, even so courtly and materialistic a mind as Lord Chesterfield's acknowledged a connection between manners and morality, of which latter the courts of Europe seemed so sparing. In one of the famous "Letters to His Son" he writes: "Moral virtues are the foundation of society in general, and of