ÇİLER İLHAN
EXILE
Translated from the Turkish by Ayşegül Toroser Ateş
For those exiled from their homes, their homelands, their bodies, and their souls...
in the hope that they may return to their homelands within.
English language edition first published by Istros Books London, United Kingdom www.istrosbooks.com
Originally published in Turkish as Sürgün, 2010
© Çiler İlhan, 2015
The right of Çiler İlhan to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988
Translation © Ayşegül Toroser Ateş
Edited by Feyza Howell and S.D. Curtis
Cover design: Davor Pukljak, www.frontispis.hr
ISBN: 978-1-908236-25-8 (print edition)
ISBN: 978-1-908236-89-0 (eBook)
This project has been funded with support from the TEDA Programme of the Ministry of Culture and Tourism of the Republic of Turkey.
EXILE
‘Exile is the unhealable rift forced between a human being and its native place, between the self and its true home: its essential sadness can never be surmounted.’
Edward Said1
1 Said, Edward. ‘The Mind of Winter,’ Harper’s Magazine, September 1984.
Zobar and Başa
It’s been so long since the drums and pipes fell silent in Hatice Sultan. Yesterday my Zobar and me, we went to take a look at our old neighbourhood. There’s no one left. Even Uncle Aziz has moved to Taşoluk... Zeynep, Gülfidan, Ertan Abi, every last one...
Aunt Emine had been the first one to leave. She moved to Izmir, to live with her daughter. Hers was the first house to be demolished. Then it was the turn of Gülbahar. Turned out onto the street in the middle of winter with two children, her house pulled down in the early hours, regardless of her tears.
Mustafa Abi turned out to be stubborn. He’s still in Neslişah with his wife and daughter, but the old coffee house’s closed down. Had he not owned his house he’d have been cooped up in Taşoluk a long time ago, like so many tenants. No one knows how long he’ll hold out. Some bloke or other comes over every day, asking him to sell his house.
Mother Milay and Coro moved to Edirne. When Mother Milay insisted she’d never live in Taşoluk, they took Yilo, Lola and the grave of Dobru and moved early one mornin’. I cried buckets over them. After all, we’d come to know them as our mother and father ever since I was five and Zobar seven. They’d taken care of us ever since they snatched us out of the clutch of the Grim Reaper back in Romania, so how could I not cry? My sweet Tinke kept licking my tears as I cried... ‘Come with us, we won’t move if you don’t come with us,’ they said; especially Mother Milay who insisted we go, pleading for days – ‘don’t make me leave my heart back here’ – but we didn’t want to. We liked Istanbul; ‘besides, we’ve grown up, we can look after ourselves,’ we said.
Soon, my Zobar, Cingo, Tinke and me, the whole gang, we’re gonna collect paper. In Taksim. We’ve been going up to Taksim ever since we moved to Dolapdere. But because I had a miscarriage, I can’t walk far. That’s how things are for now: It occurred to me afterwards that Mother Milay knew I was pregnant when we got married, ‘Are you pregnant or what, girl?’ she’d asked, but I’d paid no attention: She doesn’t miss a trick, does she?
Thank God the weather is fine. Cingo’s not fussed but Tinke’s over the moon. Her tail goes pat, pat, pat non-stop now she’s seen the sun.
My Zobar’s been so absent-minded ever since we moved here. He doesn’t talk much, but he’s been eating his heart out, I know. He dug his heels in so we wouldn’t leave the neighbourhood, you know – ‘we’ll find a way to stay,’ he’d said to me, so he’s tried everything he could lately just so he could keep his word. You crazy boy, did you really think I’d keep my hopes up just because you said so? How were we to stay when the landlord had already sold our house? All the neighbourhood had taken off; how could we have stayed? Don’t I miss my house in Hatice Sultan too? Don’t I just? In fact, from time to time, I can’t help but cry. That’s when my Zobar takes me into his huge arms and says, ‘Don’t cry my beautiful Başa, we’ll go back to our Sulukule some day, we will for sure, you’ll see.’ But I know: Sulukule now belongs to others.
This morning, I realized that crying’s no help either. I whispered in my Zobar’s ear ‘Come, almond eyes, let ourselves be our homeland.’
CRIME
Iraq II
By the time the Americans came to Iraq, I’d long given up hope for both Iraq and for that scum who called himself a ‘father’.
I was pleased. Pleased that piece of filth might finally get his just desserts. My sister Rana and I never got over the pain of losing our husbands.
Stupid me! Just goes to show I still hadn’t learnt my lesson after having seen so much wickedness even from my closest. Just goes to show I’d failed to understand how power makes the sons of Adam lose their humanity, turns them into demons. Just goes to show I’d failed even to imagine how ruthless foreigners would some day give birth to the demons within, how they would take to the streets and feast endlessly on these lands, these holy lands where civilisations once took root. It just goes to show that I didn’t realize that the soldiers who would go for their bullets, making no exception for children, and who would go for their zips, with no respect for mothers or daughters, would cast their humanity off and become possessed. It just goes to show that I failed to envisage that my Iraq would from then on live by night, by night alone, as if now located at the poles, where the sun would never again be able to extend its fragile visage over daybreak.
And that boy from Karbala, whose big brother was taken away in a night raid; I dream of him every night; his pupils dilated, behind his mother with his kid brother, leaning against the wall. As if the wall would help him. He is shivering like a leaf in his pyjamas, but the screams are the mother’s, crying for her elder son, who was taken from his house in the middle of the night to be carried first to torture and then to his death; what falls to his share is the silence of a grave. That dark-eyed boy in the newspaper who harbours in his eyes the sorrow of the world, the anxiety of the world. His picture won’t leave my desk; nor his face my dreams. Oh my mighty Mesopotamia! Oh how they have hurt you.
Ball
We were playing ball. There was our Sülo, there was Mehmet, there was Fedai, there was Ramazan, and there was Raşit. There was my big brother and Raşit’s big brother. That’s where we always play ball. Sülo’s team was winning again; doesn’t he just love himself as he sneaks past! At that moment, I saw my brother and Raşit’s brother wink at each other. I turned my head and looked; the gendarmes. I didn’t pay any attention. They always come and take our ball when we’re playing. We’re used to it now. They’d taken my big brother and Raşit’s to the station a couple of times and had beaten the living daylight out of them. They were forever accusing them of aiding the rebels, but they never do. Dad always kept us out of these conflicts. He’d promised mum before she died.
I thought the soldiers were going to take our ball again. But suddenly they started shooting. I saw my big brother on the ground. Five soldiers had surrounded him and were firing around his body. My brother had wrapped his arms tightly around his head. I tried to stop the soldiers. One of them punched me in the face and felled me. My brother tried to get up but they pushed him down. Then they started kicking him. Then they dragged him off into the minibus. They kept kicking him as they dragged him. I saw Mehmet running towards the village and I yelled after him, ‘tell my father, tell him to get to the station immediately’.