The Son
Andrej Nikolaidis
Translated from the Montenegrin by Will Firth
Istros Books
Istros Books
London, UK
Copyright © 2013 Andrej Nikolaidis
Translation © 2013 Will Firth
Artwork & Design@Milos Miljkovich, 2013
All rights reserved, except for brief quotations in critical articles or reviews. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without prior written permission from the publisher.
Published 2013 by Istros Books
Via the Dzanc Books rEprint Series
eBooks ISBN-13: 978-1-937854-78-2
The characters and events in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.
O how silent was the house when Father passed into the darkness.
- Georg Trakl, Dream and Derangement
Everyone, whatever he is and quite irrespective of what he does, is repeatedly thrown back upon his own resources, like a nightmare forced to rely on itself.
- Thomas Bernhard, The Cellar
I
Everything would have been different if I’d been able to control my repulsion, I realised.
The sun was still visible through the lowered blinds. It had lost all its force and now, unable to burn, it disappeared behind the green of the olive groves which extended all the way to the pebbly beach of Valdanos and on as far as Kruče and Utjeha; bays sardined with bathers determined to absorb every last carcinogenic ray before going back to their accommodation. There they would douse their burnt skin with imitations of expensive perfumes, don their most revealing attire and dash off to discos and terraces with turbofolk music, full of confidence that tonight they would go down on another body with third-degree burns; possessing and then forgetting another human being almost identical to themselves.
At first I’d resolved to stay in bed a bit longer, but I had to get up because the stench of sweat in the room was unbearable. The room is located on the western side of the house, and it’s as hot as a foundry in there in the afternoons. The sun beats against the walls for hours and hours. Even when the bugger goes down, the walls still radiate the heat. They bombard me with it all night long. Ever since we moved into the house and I first lay in that bed, I’ve sweated. I wake at three in the morning and have to get out of bed because the pillow and the sheet are drenched with perspiration and start to stink. What’s more, they stink dreadfully – it’s simply unbearable. My own body drives me out of bed.
Making that room the bedroom was a catastrophic decision. We carried in the bed, wardrobe and bookshelves, and sealed the unhappy fate of our marriage, although we wouldn’t realise it until later. Nothing could survive the night in that room, certainly nothing as fragile and bloodless as our marriage.
For two years I sweated, woke horrified by the reek of my own body and drank coffee on the balcony for hours. Shortly before dawn, I would fall asleep again briefly on the couch in the living room. Worn out by insomnia and fatigue, I would go in and cuddle her when she woke. For two years I tried to grasp what was amiss and why everything seemed to go wrong for us. I strained my mind as best I could, exhausted by insomnia and the dissatisfaction which filled the house. For two years I wasn’t even able to think. And then it was all over. She left. ‘I can’t take this anymore’, she yelled, and was gone.
That same instant I threw myself onto the bed, where even just the night before we’d said ‘I love you’ to each other in our ritual of hypocrisy. I was asleep before I hit the pillow. I woke bathed in sweat, as usual. She really has gone – that was the first thing I thought when I opened my eyes. She wasn’t there anymore, but the bed still stank of me.
I got up and almost fled from the bed. I closed the door behind me, determined that nothing would ever leave that room again. I plodded to the kitchen and put on some water for coffee. Then I ran back to the room and locked the door twice just to be sure.
I thought it would be good to read something, I said to myself. It really was high time. For two whole years I hadn’t read anything except the crime column in the newspaper. The only things which still interested me were crime news and books about serial killers. It was as though only overt eruptions of evil could jolt me out of my indifference. I no longer had the energy for the hermeneutics of evil. That was behind me now. I could no longer stand searching for evil in the everyday actions of so-called ‘ordinary people’. Instead, I chose vulgar manifestations of evil. If a man killed thirty people and buried them under his house, that still had a wow factor for me. But I’d lost the strength to deal with the everyday animosities, suppressed desires and cheap tricks of the people I met: those who treated me as if I was blind, convinced that they’ve duped me into believing their good intentions and made a total fool of me, while I simply looked through them as if they didn’t exist.
He Offered Himself for Dinner, the paper wrote that morning. The crime column reported on the cheerful story of Armin Meiwes, a cannibal from Germany, who had joined an online cannibal community. Humans are sociable beings: they come together when they’re born, they flock together when they go off to do their military service and learn to kill other human beings, they come together to mate and to marry, and ultimately they also congregate when they want to eat one another. Meiwes had found a place where kindred souls gathered. He wanted to eat someone and confided this to his friends from the cannibal community. When he placed an announcement in the forum, replies came in from 400 people who wanted to be eaten. And so he chose one of them. It seems this fellow had particular demands: he requested that he and his benefactor celebrate a ‘last supper’ together and eat his penis before he be killed. Obliging Meiwes wanted to fulfil his wish, but after their initial enthusiasm they agreed that the meal was inedible. The paper then went on to explain how the ‘volunteer’ then felt sick and started saying the Lord’s Prayer. Meiwes, whom doctors established to be quite normal, stated that he skipped the prayer because ‘he couldn’t decide who his father was – God or the Devil – so he didn’t know whom he should be praying to’. In any case, Meiwes killed the fellow after the prayer, later ate him and filmed the whole business.
I went to the bookshelf and took down Eliot’s The Waste Land, which a friend had given us in our first summer in the house. The November of that year was rainy and condemned us to stay at home since the continuous deluges made our walks through the olive grove impossible. That month we tried to achieve the idyll from B-movies, sitting in armchairs in our living room with a fire crackling in our fireplace. We sat and read Eliot. I read aloud and she listened. I loved her then, like I always loved her. Then I couldn’t take it anymore, like I’d never been able to take it anymore. But I decided to go on after all, like I always decide I should go on. Things never fail because of me, nor do they go off well thanks to me. They always happen with me as a bystander. I just adapt to them.
As a child I imagined life as an enormous desert which I had to walk through while trying not to disturb a thing or to leave any trace. Not one footprint was to remain in the sand after I was gone, not one flake of ash from the fire I laid, not one bone of an animal I killed to eat, not one scrap of waste from the caravan I met, not one tree at the oasis whose bark I carved my initials in, not one woman in a village with a child of mine by her side. I was just passing through, and I took care that no-one noticed and was able to say: he was here. That’s how I thought back then, and that’s how I still think today. But that’s not what I did. I got married. I took a wife but continued travelling without a trace. In the end she declared ‘I can’t take this anymore!’ and left. I could have said that too, but I didn’t – she said it because she was stronger than me.
April is the cruellest month,