This book is a work of non-fiction based on the author’s experiences. In order to protect privacy, names, identifying characteristics, dialogue and details have been changed or reconstructed.
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First published by HarperElement 2017
FIRST EDITION
© Casey Watson 2017
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Source ISBN: 9780008127600
Ebook Edition © October 2017 ISBN: 9780008217655
Version: 2017-08-24
Contents
Topics for Reading Group Discussion
It was a short night in the end because Keeley was exhausted. Far too exhausted to sit in the kitchen and pour her heart out. She just needed the oblivion of sleep. So I helped her upstairs, switched the lamp on and pulled the covers back, and with a tearful ‘I’m so sorry for everything’ between sobs, she gave me a last hug and collapsed on the bed. Might have slept in it fully clothed. Probably did.
Which left me, with the correct complement of children under our roof, to enjoy an episode of The X Factor that Tyler had recorded for me and which I’d yet to catch up with, and then the gift of an uninterrupted (not to mention astonishing) eight hours of sleep. The first thing I knew Mike was shaking me awake, my coffee cooling, him about to leave for work.
I’d rubbed my eyes and sat up and reached for my coffee anyway. He perched on the edge of the bed.
‘What’s the plan, then?’ he said. ‘Do we have one?’
I was glad to hear the ‘we’. Apart from my telling Mike about Keeley’s desolate admission, we’d purposely refrained from doing our usual debrief the previous night. Better wait, we decided, till we had a fuller picture, and some idea of what direction things were going to go now. And I don’t think either of us wanted to open up a debate about whether we even wanted to be a part of that process.
I thought back to what little she had said the previous evening. Of the compelling nature of the way she’d described her assessment of her own worth. The visceral extent of her self-loathing. But being Keeley’s apologist wasn’t going to help me with Mike. She would have to win his heart back herself. If, indeed, that was what was going to happen. It may well be that she wasn’t destined to be with us much longer anyway – not the way she continued to kick against the traces. Perhaps being contained in the bosom of a normal happy family was actually making it all worse.
But I had to keep faith with her if that was what she wanted right now. ‘Still Plan A,’ I said. ‘That’s the one I’m keen to stick to, if you think you can bear it.’
He looked thoughtful. ‘Till the next crisis.’
‘I imagine that’s how it’ll go, yes.’
He leaned down to plant a kiss on my head. ‘Okay, you’re the boss. But look, love, I know you think you had some big breakthrough last night, but don’t let that completely cloud your judgement. I mean, it might be a turning point, but then again, it might not. Past experience has shown that’s she’s perfectly capable of manipulating things to suit herself. We both know that. So just be aware of it, okay?’
I didn’t mind getting a lecture because I knew Mike was right. I was pathologically just like a terrier down a rabbit hole. Once I’d wormed my way right to the heart of an emotional warren, I locked on and wouldn’t let go. But I felt sure I knew the difference between melodrama for purposes of cool manipulation and the anguished outpouring of a soul. ‘I know, love,’ I said, ‘and I will be aware. But it’s something. Let’s just see how today goes.’
I threw the duvet