The ancient scriptures of many religions have pointed out this dilemma for thousands of years: All pain and suffering comes from attachment to that which is inevitably always changing. When we spend our time and energy trying to get it all perfect on the outside, we are focusing our attention in the wrong direction.
So if what’s outside is always changing, if your plates are always going to drop, if some of your expectations are always going to be disappointed, how can you create a sense of happiness and contentment in life? The answer is to go in the opposite direction from the one we’re used to going in, to make a shift from trying to create stability on the outside to creating it on the inside.
This is the first secret about life I want to share with you:
SECRET NUMBER ONE:
EVERYTHING YOU NEED
TO BE HAPPY IS INSIDE OF YOU
What does this statement actually mean? It means that you already have the key to your own happiness inside of you. It’s your own inner state that determines whether or not you’re happy, and not what happens to you on the outside. Maybe you didn’t realize that, but it’s true. And you’re already experiencing this amazing phenomenon every day.
Think back to a time in your life when you were doing something that “should” have made you happy, such as going out to eat at a wonderful restaurant, or attending a concert you’d been waiting to see, or traveling to an exciting vacation spot you’d looked forward to visiting, BUT … you couldn’t enjoy what you were doing on the outside because you were feeling terrible on the inside. Maybe you were sitting all dressed up at the fabulous restaurant, but knew that someone you loved, such as one of your children or a family member, was ill, so you just couldn’t enjoy the food or the atmosphere. Maybe you were in the audience at the concert you’d been waiting months to attend, but you just had a terrible day at work and were so angry about a situation there that you couldn’t get excited about the show at all. Or maybe you were on an exotic vacation with your partner in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but he was being very cold, distant, and unromantic with you, and you felt so hurt that it didn’t matter where you were.
What was making you unhappy in these situations? The restaurant? The concert? Being on vacation? No … in fact, these are the very things you thought would make you happy.
You know just how this works. It always starts with a simple desire: “If I could just take a few weeks and go to Hawaii, I’d be so happy,” you tell yourself. And you finally decide to do it. And you announce to all your friends that you are going, and you can’t wait. And you think about it for months. “Only three more weeks, and we’ll be in Hawaii!” “Only one more week, and I’ll be lying on the beach drinking a piña colada!” Then finally you’re there, and your husband isn’t paying much attention to you, and you’re feeling unloved, and you’re lying on the beach feeling absolutely miserable. And suddenly, the same things that were supposed to make you happy are driving you crazy: it’s too hot and the couple in the adjacent lounge chair is bugging you and you can’t stand the hotel and you’re having a crummy time and wish you’d never come in the first place.
Why isn’t Hawaii making you happy when you were so sure it would? Because Hawaii doesn’t have the power to make you happy. If it did, you’d be lying there thinking, “To hell with the fact that my husband is acting like a slug—I’m in Hawaii!! Who cares if my marriage is on the rocks? Look at those gorgeous palm trees!! Gosh, I’m happy!”
Hasn’t this happened to you? Haven’t you finally gone somewhere or done something you thought would make you feel wonderful, only it doesn’t, and you wonder to yourself, “Gee, I paid a lot of money for this. I should be enjoying it. I should be having a good time. What’s wrong?”
What’s wrong is that nothing on the outside is ever going to be more powerful than your own inner state of consciousness. You could be in the most beautiful spot on the planet, but if your heart is hurting, or your mind is anxious, you’ll be miserable. And the opposite is true as well—you could be in the most unappealing place, but if your inner state is joyous and contented, you will feel happy where you are. You will create your own paradise.
Living Life from the Inside Out
This is an amazing and radical revelation about one of the secrets of life:
Life happens from the inside out. If you are happy, it is because of what is going on inside of you. If you are sad, it is because of what is going on inside of you. Your world is all happening inside of you.
The world itself is a neutral place. Nothing that happens to you is inherently positive or negative. It is your interpretation of it that makes it a positive or negative experience. It is what you do with it inside yourself that makes it positive or negative. In fact, nothing really happens to your true self on the outside. All of your reactions to life take place on the inside. That’s why, whether you have understood it this way or not, you are already living life from the inside out.
Here are some examples of this principle:
Let’s say you are in a relationship with a man. He comes to you one day and announces, “I don’t want to be with you anymore. I am leaving.” Is his leaving you a positive or negative event? The answer is: It is neither. His leaving is neutral. It is just an action. He is walking out. What is positive or negative is how you react inside to his leaving. If you are madly in love with him and think you are meant to be together, you will react with sorrow and conclude that his leaving is negative. If you were tired of him anyway, and trying to figure out a way to break it off yourself, you will react with relief, and conclude that his leaving is positive. Do you see how the same event can be experienced as producing happiness or sadness when in fact, the event isn’t doing anything—it’s your inner state that is producing those emotions, those reactions?
Here’s another example: You are in a car accident and are seriously injured. You end up having to take a month off from work to stay at home and recover, and your mother, with whom you don’t get along very well, comes to stay and take care of you. “This one is definitely not neutral!” you may be thinking. But look more closely. If you focus on how awful it is that you had the accident, that you are missing work, and that you have to put up with your mother, you will be unhappy and conclude that the accident was a negative event. But what if you take that time to contemplate your life and how fast you’ve been moving, and see that this month was a “forced vacation,” so to speak, in which some higher power is insisting you slow down? And what if you realize that your mother is again able to feel useful in caring for you, in a way she hasn’t for years, and that you are able to receive her love in this form, which is a great gift to her? And what if you allow yourself to feel vulnerable and out of control for the first time in a long while, and notice the harshness of your hard-driving personality softening in a way that is undeniably healthy? Then, in spite of your injury, you might feel a deep sense of well-being, and conclude that the accident was a very positive and, indeed, even necessary event.
Happiness is a decision you make to experience a situation in a particular way. It is not something that is bestowed upon you from the outside. It comes from the inside out. In the same way, unhappiness isn’t something that is inflicted upon you from the outside—it, too, is a choice you make.
You are the person with the most power to affect your life. You are the one who decides to be happy or unhappy about what you are experiencing.
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