Bête de Jour
The intimate adventures of An Ugly Man
Stan Cattermole
For Melanie, with love, and for Ange, with boundless optimism.
…I, that am not shaped for sportive tricks, Nor made to court an amorous looking-glass; I, that am rudely stamp’d, and want love’s majesty To strut before a wanton ambling nymph; I, that am curtail’d of this fair proportion, Cheated of feature by dissembling nature, Deformed, unfinish’d, sent before my time Into this breathing world, scarce half made up, And that so lamely and unfashionable That dogs bark at me as I halt by them; Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace, Have no delight to pass away the time, Unless to spy my shadow in the sun And descant on mine own deformity: And therefore, since I cannot prove a lover, To entertain these fair well-spoken days, I am determined to prove a villain And hate the idle pleasures of these days…
Richard III, William Shakespeare
Table of Contents
Chapter One Nobody, not Even the Rain
Chapter Two Whiskers of Immorality
Chapter Four Like a Leopard on a Dove
Chapter Five Being is Other People
Chapter Eight Love is Natural and Real
Chapter Eleven Everybody’s Free (to Wear A Paper Bag)
Chapter Twelve Everybody’s Blogging Nowadays: no Hard Feelings
Chapter Sixteen Bad to the Bone
Chapter Eighteen Welcome to Peckham
Chapter Twenty Pablo, Pablo, Burning Bright
Chapter Twenty-one a Fresh Start: Audrey Tautou
Chapter Twenty-two Speed Dating: Our Time is Running out
Chapter Twenty-three Bestial Oblivion
Chapter Twenty-four Fuck Buddies
Chapter Twenty-five Act of God
Chapter Twenty-six Box of Frogs
Chapter Twenty-eight London to Brighton
Chapter Twenty-nine all That David Copperfield Kind of Crap
Chapter Thirty Turn and Face the Strange
Chapter Thirty-one My Parents and Other Anomalies
Chapter Thirty-two There is No Sanity Clause
Chapter Thirty-three His Name is Stanley Cattermole
Chapter Thirty-four Glad all Over
Chapter Thirty-five Wee Timorous Beasties
Chapter Thirty-six Positive Mental Attitude
Chapter Thirty-seven Throw Your Arms Around the World
Chapter Thirty-Eight the Scottish Play
Chapter Ninety-Nine Hidden Track: Ps I Lied to You
A WORD ABOUT THIS BOOK
This book was born of a blog. The blog was born of a dream. The dream was born of a desperation to change things. And the good news is, it worked. Things have changed. My life is now wholly positive and I will never frown, curse, spit, swear, scream, or suffer an overwhelming