Absurd Ditties
I
THAT OF MR. JUSTICE DEAR
"'Tis really very, very queer!"
Ejaculated Justice Dear,
"That, day by day, I'm sitting here
Without a single 'case.'
This is the twenty-second pair
Of white kid gloves, I do declare,
I've had this month. I can not wear
White kids at such a pace."
His Lordship thought the matter o'er.
"Crimes ne'er have been so few before;
Not long ago, I heard a score
Of charges every day;
And now – dear me! how can it be? —
And, pondering thus, went home to tea.
(He lives Bayswater way.)
A frugal mind has Justice Dear
(Indeed, I've heard folks call him "near"),
And, caring naught for jibe or jeer,
He rides home on a bus.
It singularly came to pass,
This day, he chanced to ride, alas!
Beside two of the burglar class;
And one addressed him thus:
"We knows yer, Mr. Justice Dear,
You've often giv' us 'time' – d'ye hear? —
And now your pitch we're going to queer,
We criminals has struck!
We're on the 'honest livin' tack,
An' not another crib we'll crack,
So Justices will get the sack!
How's that, my legal buck?"
This gave his Lordship quite a fright,
He had not viewed it in that light.
"Dear me!" he thought, "these men are right,
I'd better smooth them down.
"Let's not fall out, my friends," said he,
"Continue with your burglarie;
Your point of view I clearly see.
Ahem! Here's half-a-crown."
The morning sun shone bright and clear
On angry Mr. Justice Dear;
His language was not good to hear;
With rage he'd like to burst.
His watch and chain, and several rings,
His silver-plate, and other things,
Had disappeared on magic wings —
They'd burgled his house first!
II
THAT OF THE LATE MR. BROWN
Life has its little ups, and downs,
As has been very truly said,
And Mr. Brown,
Of Camden Town
(Alas! the gentleman is dead),
Found out how quickly Fortune's smile
May turn to Fortune's frown;
And how a sudden rise in life
May bring a person down.
He lived – as I remarked before —
Within a highly genteel square
At Camden Town,
Did Mr. Brown
(He had been born and brought up there);
But – waxing richer year by year —
Grew prosperous and fat,
And left the square at Camden Town
To take a West End flat.
It was a very stylish flat,
With such appointments on each floor
As Mr. Brown
At Camden Town
Had never, never seen before:
Electric lights; hydraulic lifts,
To take one up and down;
And telephones to everywhere.
(These quite bewildered Brown.)
The elevator pleased him most;
To ride in it was perfect bliss.
"I say!" cried Brown,
"At Camden Town
We'd nothing half as good as this."
From early morn till dewy eve
He spent his time – did Brown —
In being elevated up,
And elevated down.
One night – I cannot tell you why —
When all the household soundly slept,
Poor Mr. Brown
(Late Camden Town)
Into the elevator stept;
It stuck midway 'twixt floor and floor,
And when they got it down,
They found that it was all U. – P.
With suffocated Brown.
Yes, life is full of ups and downs,
As someone said in days of yore.
They buried Brown
At Camden Town
(The place where he had lived before);
And now, alas! a-lack-a-day!
In black and solemn gowns,
Disconsolate walk Mrs. Brown
And all the little Browns.
III
THAT OF OUR OLD FRIEND BISHOP P
Twice Mr. Gilbert sang to you
Of Bishop P., of Rum-ti-foo;
Now, by your leave, I'll do that too,
Altho' I'm bound to fail
(So you will tell me to my face)
In catching e'en the slightest trace
Of true Gilbertian charm, or grace,
To decorate my tale.
Still, I will tell, as best I can,
How Bishop Peter – worthy man —
Is getting on by now.
Now where shall I begin? Let's see?
You know, I think, that Bishop P.
(Wishful to please his flock was he)
Once took the bridegroom's vow.
You doubtless recollect, His Grace
Wed Piccadil'lee of that place,
And Peterkins were born apace,
When she became his bride.
In fact I'm told that there were three,
When dusky Piccadillillee,
In odour of sanctittittee,
Incontinently died.
Some